A better day

Today was wonderful compared to the hell I have been suffering for the past month. I slept better last night than I have in weeks. I woke up and ate breakfast with my kids, giving them the attention they needed from me. I felt like an awesome Mom for being able to do that. Then we went to a friend's house and had a blast. The kids ran around playing different games for an hour and a half while I got to chit chat. It was so relaxing. After we got home and had lunch I put Ben down for a nap and watched TV with Jenifer. Around 3:00 I started to feel anxious and needed some space. So I went to browse the internet on my computer. Jen followed me into my room and wanted to sit on my lap. She kept grabbing at me trying to pull herself up. Finally I stood up, and asked my friend if she could keep an eye on my two kids for an hour so I could get a break. I went to my Mom's for a half hour, and while I was there I realized it was time to take a Xanax. That I was an hour late on taking it. So I took my Xanax and felt better very quickly. It's so nice for the Xanax to be working now. I guess my body had to get used to it a little bit. So while I still had some anxiety and PTSD triggers, I coped very well and had a good day. Now I am going to bed. Good night all.

Mnt Dew, a world of difference

Caffeine is one of the best antidepressants. Normally I keep a stock of Mnt Dew in the house, but this week I was slacking and didn't buy any. Well when my Mom found out, as mothers tend to do, she told me I needed it and to go get some. SO I did. Man I had a great day! I sipped at Mnt Dew all day and I had energy, motivation, I was even singing songs. Amazing what a little caffeine can do. It

So the Mnt Dew wore off, and I fell asleep typing this last night. So continuing on my Mtn Dew endorsement. It ROCKS! I felt so good yesterday. It was a nice change from the last few days. I had energy, I was cheerful, I was singing songs. I did all the other things that help too. Like turning on all the lights in my house and opening the blinds. I lit candles and played Christmas music. IT was a combination of following my routine and adding caffeine to it. It was so nice to have a great day. I am confidant today will continue to be a good day.

A really rough day

Today I had a break down. I was having serious thoughts of suicide. I had a plan. So I called my awesome sister and we talked for about 10 minutes and she helped me through it. It's scary that normal setbacks cause me to become suicidal. It's like flipping a switch. My last hospitalization the doctor told me I am always going to struggle with having suicidal thoughts. It's just something I am going to need therapy for to learn how to cope. Well today I coped awesome! I did not need to go to the ER. I called my sister, and talked out what was bothering me until I felt better. I think if I had just toughed it out, bottled up those feelings, they would have resurfaced stronger later. I have learned it it important to talk with a close friend when I am feeling down because bottling it up, not talking about, only pushes it away for a little while. It will come back, stronger, and harder to cope with. Today I am grateful for a great support system, for my family, for another day to be with my kids. I am grateful for the strength I am blessed with to battle my illness. For so many this is a debilitating illness. I am blessed with the strength and ability to continue functioning. I may not like where I am, but it could be a heck of a lot worse. So I am very grateful for where I am, even though it sucks sometimes.

Time flies by

I didn't realize it's been nearly a week since I posted last. I have been struggling lately, having bad days. I have been working so hard on using my skills to get through the bad days I forgot about my blog. Sorry about that. So the last week my mood has been steadily declining. It is hardest at night. I think I am having a hard time because it is so cold outside I can't get out in the sun, and it is getting dark so early now. I am using all of my skills though to get through this hard time. I am lighting candles to help me relax, putting on my favorite lotion, taking relaxing baths, reading, talking to friends and family. I'm starting to have thoughts of suicide again. I just tell myself, "Suicide is not an option." over and over again. Then I tell myself reasons to live, that this shall pass, and I will feel better soon.

I had a very bad flashback Saturday night. After four hours of struggling to get through it, I went to the ER. I was at the ER for about 6 hours. They didn't really do anything to help me. The flashback finally passed in time, I fell asleep, and was good to go. My anxiety was still high so they gave me a dose of Trazodone before I left. Ever since Saturday my PTSD has been causing a lot of symptoms. It's hard to let my kids sit near me. I really want my space. My anxiety is higher, and I am more hyper vigilant. I am so tired of these symptoms. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of fighting so hard only to have another setback. Three steps forward and two steps back seems to be my pace. I would rather stay at three steps forward. I'll take the single step forward in the end though. I am coping very well with my symptoms. Even though it is hard. Even though there are times I think it would be so much easier to be dead and not have to fight to feel better. I am coping. I am not in the hospital. And my symptoms are not increasing at a rapid pace. Hopefully I can keep them at this level until things start to improve. Sticking to a routine I have found helps a lot. I wake up in the morning, shower, fix breakfast for my kids, set a goal for the day, and then at some point I accomplish that goal. It helps a lot when I stick to my routine.

Testing Today

Today I took the Work Keys test. I did very well on it scoring a 6 on the math and 5's on the reading comprehension sections. I can now start my EMT training. The minimum score I needed was a 3 on all three sections. So I did great! After testing I picked my kids up from the friend who was watching them for me, and headed home. I took a nap this afternoon and that was about it for my day. I didn't do much today. My depression is starting to creep back into my week. I am having bad days more often, and this afternoon I did not feel well. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of digging myself out of this hole, and then falling back into it when the medication stops working as well. Tomorrow will be a better day though. I have errands to run, and things to do to keep me busy all day. Saturday we are going to visit my parents for the day, so tomorrow I need to clean my house, do laundry, go grocery shopping, and write a letter to my little sister who is serving a mission for our church in Omaha, Nebraska. Keeping busy will be a good healthy distraction from feeling down. Hopefully I will have the energy I need to get everything done. If not, well that's why they make Mountain Dew.

Happy Wednesday

So today was my last day of Work Keys class. Tomorrow is the test! I am a little nervous because I am competitive and want to score the highest. At the same time I am calm because I know I will score high enough to qualify for the EMT program. I saw my psychiatrist today. And she agreed with me that I am doing well enough to not need to be seen every two weeks. So now I am at a month. Once a month is awesome! I have come so far from where I was in 2009. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father who has watched over me, and carried me when I was too weak to walk alone.
I am very pleased with how well I am doing. I feel so much better. Better than I have felt in the last 19 months. I feel as if I am on a new path in life. It is a great feeling. I may still have bad days, but I am equipped to handle them. I just have to remember my coping skills. Life is very good today.