Today was an ok day. Nothing too exciting happened, I was able to clean my kitchen today and pick up a little after the kids. I also succeeded in turning the television off for a short amount of time today. Lately the depression has been so bad that the TV running all day has been babysitting my kids so that I can lay on the couch and do nothing. I have barely had the energy to take care of the essentials; like changing diapers, refilling cups of juice, cleaning up spills, feeding my kids, etc. I'd clean just enough dishes for what was needed, dinners were simple and easy. For someone like myself who LOVES to cook, you know it's bad when I pull out hamburger helper. But today I cooked honey pecan pork chops and sat down with my husband to eat. I have also succeeded in getting my kids back to a bedtime routine and a good bedtime. I made the mistake of trying to let them fall asleep to a movie one night. I didn't feel like singing the bedtime songs I always sing, so I thought a movie would make up for that. WRONG. My kids were up until 10pm and were quite angry when I did not put another movie in. The next night I tried the same thing with a different movie and got the same result. (Insanity has been defined as doing the same actions over and over expecting different results. I plead guilty) After two nights of being up till 10:00pm or later they were stuck on a late bedtime and I did not have the energy to fix it. Well this week I did. They are now back to a bedtime of 8:30.

These little things are actually huge steps as I slowly come out of this depressive episode. I am starting to feel good again. And I am having more energy to take care of my family, which brings me the most joy. I love taking care of my kids. I love the "Thank you Mommy"'s I get. I love the hugs and kisses, and the ever so cute Jen getting excited when I fix her a snack and saying "For ME?! Oh thank you Mommy!" In a surprised, excited voice. Being a Mom brings me the greatest joy. I am now climbing up. Having a little more energy for the things I enjoy the most, only leads to feeling better. And as I feel better I have more energy to do things that make me feel better. I'm climbing out of the depression and it feels good.

The funny side of sanity

My Mom asked me the other day if I have written any of my funny stories down from my stays in mental health hospitals. I haven't and I thought the best place is right here to share to humor. If there is one talent I have it is finding humor in situations, or creating my own humor if need be. One thing to mention about my fellow patients is that there is no better group of people. The most caring, compassionate, respectful, and open community I have ever been a part of is when I am inpatient. Mental health patients are also some of the most bored people ever, since we are so closely monitored for our safety. At times we would cure the boredom with jokes on the staff. While I know the staff did not appreciate our antics, plotting made the day go by faster and funnier. One day two other patients joined me in having a nervous twitch during community meeting. Kicking a leg out every so often until we noticed the staff noticed, then we changed to a jerk of the arm, to pulling at our eyebrow, to snapping our fingers.

One hospital I stayed in had a cafeteria that we were allowed to walk to for meals. Staff accompanied us, but we were given a little more freedom while we ate. There was a bell to ring incase you got to the counter and the cafeteria staff was in the kitchen instead of up front serving. One day the patient I was in line next to saw the bell and rang it. The server was almost offended that she rang the bell right in front of him. "Did you just ring my bell?"

"Yes." she replied

"Why?! Why would you ring my bell when I am right here?"

I then jumped in, "Did you just ask a mental health patient why they did something irrational?" I asked. He looked at me a little dumbfounded and then my fellow patient closed things up by saying, "Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

House Cleaning

The below link was sent to me by my Mom. It is a really good article about how to maintain a level of cleanliness in your home when you just don't feel like doing anything.

http://bipolar.about.com/od/copingtips/tp/dealing-with-depression-housecleaning.htm


I think everyone has blah days every once in a while, but imagine one after the other after the other after the other. Depression is a big battle for me. My recent move has caused a major depressive episode. I have very little energy, very little interest in what I normally do, my body aches, my appetite is not great, and my weight has been fluctuating. I feel as if I am walking through mud. The littlest amount of exertion takes so much energy. I am barely able to do what I have to do, let alone keep my house clean.

A year ago before this all started my house was always clean. Everything had a place, and I would scrub daily to keep up with everything. I miss those days of carefree housecleaning. Now I clean for 5 minutes, rest for 10, clean for 5 until I accomplish a task. Nothing is as clean as I would like for it to be. I am learning to not beat myself up for it, that is only counterproductive and adds to the feeling of "I am worthless". Still my house is not as clean as I would like for it to be, and I continue to find ways to get a little done here and there. I do what I can and try to focus on what I have done, not what I used to do, or what I still need to do to have a clean home. I can only do so much, and if all I get done in a day is taking care of my children than that is enough.