Saturday morning update

Yesterday was a fantastic day! So good I forgot to blog about it. Today however I have very little motivation to do anything. It would be nice to just sit on the couch all day. But I have to clean my house so I am hoping some Mountain Dew will perk me up and help me get motivated. I'll call some friends this morning too. That always helps a little. Sorry this is so short, but I gotta get moving or I will end up on the couch all day and I have a lot I need to do.

Pulling myself out of a bad day

Today was rough. Really rough. I stayed in my pajamas all day and hung out on the couch. The biggest accomplishment of the day was getting my kids dressed and keeping them fed. It took all my energy to do that. But I did it. I have to recognize the small accomplishments or my day will turn into a pity party. I ordered a pizza for dinner because I had no energy or desire to cook. After dinner my husband had the great idea that we should both clean a room. So I cleaned the kitchen and he cleaned the living room. Having a cleaner house helped my mood improve a little. So then I called my awesome sister Beth and chatted with her a bit, that helped a little too. Then came the busiest part of my day, bedtime. Staying busy for an hour while I got my kids dressed for bed, teeth brushed, and put to bed helped A LOT! After I put them to bed I made a few phone calls, and then I showered. After taking a shower I sat down with my Dialectic Behavioral Therapy journal card and tracked my day.

Dialect Behavioral Therapy works to teach individuals how to regulate their emotions and cope with dangerous impulses and urges. Around 5:00pm was my mind started to consider suicide again. It was very scary because suicide is not an option, and it is frightening when your mind starts to think about it. So I wrote down that as my impulse for the day, and I went down the card checking off all the tools I used to distract and cope with that impulse. When I realized how many I used and that they had worked I felt AWESOME! I am very proud of myself for coping through a stressful day and turning my mood around. So right now I feel at peace. Which feels GREAT! I haven't felt at peace for a while. So I am enjoying this place right now, and I am going to stay up a little bit and just enjoy this feeling.

Update

It's been several months since I last updated my blog. Recently I was hospitalized again for having suicidal ideations. For the past two weeks I have been in an outpatient treatment program at the same hospital. It has been a good refresher about things I can do to help my mood. I have been fairly depressed the last few months. Most days I struggle to do the basics: cleaning, getting dressed, taking a shower, getting my kids dressed, cooking meals. It's very hard when everything feels as if I am walking through mud. Not to mention the emotional pain I feel. My heart aches, I don't know why it just does.

Today starts a new chapter though. I went out window shopping with my Mom at a craft store. I was reminded of a lot of the hobbies I enjoyed as a teenager, that I haven't done anything with in a long time. I intend to change that. I am going to experiment with various crafts until I find some I really enjoy. I also started baking again today. I used to love baking, and ever since I moved from California I haven't baked much at all. I have a very small kitchen, and it takes my whole kitchen to bake anything. Not much room for baking. But today I made apple pies. One for my family, and one for a friend. It always feels good to bake and share with a friend. My last obstacle to overcome is finding a way to exercise daily. I used to be an avid runner, and I haven't been running in nearly a year. Time to get that back too. I am reclaiming my identity. I lost it somewhere along the way, but I am going to find it again. I need to have a reason to live for me. Not just for my family, but for me too. Because at times I feel like a huge burden to my family, and I lose sight of how important it is for me to stay around for them. All I can think about is what I can't do for my family, and focusing on the negative is never good.

So that is my wellness plan. I am confident it will help a lot. I will do better about updating my blog so that my friends and family can stay better connected with how I am doing. I appreciate all of the many prayers for my health. I have felt them uplift me many times.