Update

It's been several months since I last updated my blog. Recently I was hospitalized again for having suicidal ideations. For the past two weeks I have been in an outpatient treatment program at the same hospital. It has been a good refresher about things I can do to help my mood. I have been fairly depressed the last few months. Most days I struggle to do the basics: cleaning, getting dressed, taking a shower, getting my kids dressed, cooking meals. It's very hard when everything feels as if I am walking through mud. Not to mention the emotional pain I feel. My heart aches, I don't know why it just does.

Today starts a new chapter though. I went out window shopping with my Mom at a craft store. I was reminded of a lot of the hobbies I enjoyed as a teenager, that I haven't done anything with in a long time. I intend to change that. I am going to experiment with various crafts until I find some I really enjoy. I also started baking again today. I used to love baking, and ever since I moved from California I haven't baked much at all. I have a very small kitchen, and it takes my whole kitchen to bake anything. Not much room for baking. But today I made apple pies. One for my family, and one for a friend. It always feels good to bake and share with a friend. My last obstacle to overcome is finding a way to exercise daily. I used to be an avid runner, and I haven't been running in nearly a year. Time to get that back too. I am reclaiming my identity. I lost it somewhere along the way, but I am going to find it again. I need to have a reason to live for me. Not just for my family, but for me too. Because at times I feel like a huge burden to my family, and I lose sight of how important it is for me to stay around for them. All I can think about is what I can't do for my family, and focusing on the negative is never good.

So that is my wellness plan. I am confident it will help a lot. I will do better about updating my blog so that my friends and family can stay better connected with how I am doing. I appreciate all of the many prayers for my health. I have felt them uplift me many times.