Rough Patch

Last week was a rough patch, and it is continuing into this week. I fought hard to stay out of the hospital, and I am still fighting. I feel though that a hospital stay is inevitable at this point. I keep having bad moments. It won't even be a whole day, but part of the day where I am suicidal. And suicidal with a plan. It is very, very scary. I don't want die, I want to be here for my tomorrow and my children's tomorrows, and the excitement of what the future may hold. But I can not control these thoughts. I wish I could just snap out of it. But this is not something I can snap out of. If I could I would.

For now I am just taking life second by second. Some moments are better than others. Like yesterday I was able to bake bread and take a loaf to a friend and visit for a while. But then I came home and turned into a bear. I was yelling at my kids, having a hard time being patient. I picked a fight with my husband, and all in all felt terrible for everything I was doing, but felt as if I had very little control over things. My emotions were all over the place, and I felt like I was playing emotional twister. Just spin the wheel and tell me what emotion to add to what was already jumbled in my head. Guilt, anger, frustration, inadequacy, fear, and paranoia all made for a rough evening. I thought sleep might help, but this morning I woke up feeling the same. It's been rough, and I feel all I can do is take everything moment by moment.

Catching up

I have fallen out of the habit of posting everyday. Sorry. Today and yesterday were rough days. I feel as if I have fallen into a hole, a deep, dark hole. I've slept a lot, neglected cleaning, and overall felt pretty numb. Today the suicidal thoughts started again for me. They are almost like a mild auditory hallucination. I'm able to ignore them, and I have many tools I use to keep these thoughts as just thoughts and not a plan. When a plan to commit suicide develops I go to the ER. I don't want to scare anyone, I am safe. I am blessed with a tremendous amount of strength to keep myself safe when symptoms like this develop. I communicate very clearly with my husband who frequently asks through out the day if I am getting better or worse. I was able to clean this evening while my husband was at school, and just in case I am worse tomorrow my Mom is coming up in the evening so that I won't be by myself. I'm safe.

I swam laps today. It was a good workout and helped me to relax a lot. Running psyches me up, but swimming relaxes me. It was the perfect workout for today. I've been jumpy lately. My anxiety has been high and I've been having a lot of negative thoughts about myself that I need to reframe. What is reframing. Well it's when you catch a thought and reframe it to a more accurate statement. Say I yell at my kids and feel bad later for yelling at them. I might have the thought, "I'm a bad parent." a healthy reframe would be, "I feel like a bad parent for yelling at my kids." Not much of a change right. Well actually it is a big change. It takes the thought and shifts it from a cognitive distortion to an accurate statement. My wonderful therapist in Oceanside, CA, Deborah Bermann, taught me how to catch the distorted thoughts and reframe them. I'm so glad she taught me how to look at things from a healthier perspective. I'm not perfect at it, but I don't have to be.

Sunday

Sorry for taking a few days off I was enjoying NOT having hallucinations. They stopped Thursday. Finally! Today I went to church and sat through almost the entire first hour. There are three blocks of meetings each about an hour long. I want so badly to stay for the full three hours, but I keep having panic attacks. I have panic attacks all the time. They cause me to stop what I am doing and go home. Shopping, going to the park or playground with my kids, just about any time I am out in public. So at the moment I am discouraged. I'm trying to remember that each little success is actually a big deal. My HUGE success of the month was staying out of the hospital while suffering from severe hallucinations. It's hard to be patient though. I want to be better now. Maybe I won't ever be better. Maybe this is a life long struggle where panic attacks prevent me from being in public for long amounts of time. I guess we'll see what happens next.Right now I'm just a bit depressed because I miss church.

Who needs sleep?

Nothing much to report. I can't sleep tonight so I'm here now, blogging. I want sleep. I'm tired, but the hallucinations are vivid right now and are keeping me awake. I tried falling asleep for the past 30 minutes. It was like being awake for a nightmare. I just need some sleep, can't I catch a break for one night. I managed to make it through the whole day without napping at all. I was able to ignore this stuff all day long and now it's strong and keeping me awake. That's about as dandy as poop on toast. I just want some sleep.