Rough Patch

Last week was a rough patch, and it is continuing into this week. I fought hard to stay out of the hospital, and I am still fighting. I feel though that a hospital stay is inevitable at this point. I keep having bad moments. It won't even be a whole day, but part of the day where I am suicidal. And suicidal with a plan. It is very, very scary. I don't want die, I want to be here for my tomorrow and my children's tomorrows, and the excitement of what the future may hold. But I can not control these thoughts. I wish I could just snap out of it. But this is not something I can snap out of. If I could I would.

For now I am just taking life second by second. Some moments are better than others. Like yesterday I was able to bake bread and take a loaf to a friend and visit for a while. But then I came home and turned into a bear. I was yelling at my kids, having a hard time being patient. I picked a fight with my husband, and all in all felt terrible for everything I was doing, but felt as if I had very little control over things. My emotions were all over the place, and I felt like I was playing emotional twister. Just spin the wheel and tell me what emotion to add to what was already jumbled in my head. Guilt, anger, frustration, inadequacy, fear, and paranoia all made for a rough evening. I thought sleep might help, but this morning I woke up feeling the same. It's been rough, and I feel all I can do is take everything moment by moment.