Mnt Dew, a world of difference

Caffeine is one of the best antidepressants. Normally I keep a stock of Mnt Dew in the house, but this week I was slacking and didn't buy any. Well when my Mom found out, as mothers tend to do, she told me I needed it and to go get some. SO I did. Man I had a great day! I sipped at Mnt Dew all day and I had energy, motivation, I was even singing songs. Amazing what a little caffeine can do. It

So the Mnt Dew wore off, and I fell asleep typing this last night. So continuing on my Mtn Dew endorsement. It ROCKS! I felt so good yesterday. It was a nice change from the last few days. I had energy, I was cheerful, I was singing songs. I did all the other things that help too. Like turning on all the lights in my house and opening the blinds. I lit candles and played Christmas music. IT was a combination of following my routine and adding caffeine to it. It was so nice to have a great day. I am confidant today will continue to be a good day.

A really rough day

Today I had a break down. I was having serious thoughts of suicide. I had a plan. So I called my awesome sister and we talked for about 10 minutes and she helped me through it. It's scary that normal setbacks cause me to become suicidal. It's like flipping a switch. My last hospitalization the doctor told me I am always going to struggle with having suicidal thoughts. It's just something I am going to need therapy for to learn how to cope. Well today I coped awesome! I did not need to go to the ER. I called my sister, and talked out what was bothering me until I felt better. I think if I had just toughed it out, bottled up those feelings, they would have resurfaced stronger later. I have learned it it important to talk with a close friend when I am feeling down because bottling it up, not talking about, only pushes it away for a little while. It will come back, stronger, and harder to cope with. Today I am grateful for a great support system, for my family, for another day to be with my kids. I am grateful for the strength I am blessed with to battle my illness. For so many this is a debilitating illness. I am blessed with the strength and ability to continue functioning. I may not like where I am, but it could be a heck of a lot worse. So I am very grateful for where I am, even though it sucks sometimes.

Time flies by

I didn't realize it's been nearly a week since I posted last. I have been struggling lately, having bad days. I have been working so hard on using my skills to get through the bad days I forgot about my blog. Sorry about that. So the last week my mood has been steadily declining. It is hardest at night. I think I am having a hard time because it is so cold outside I can't get out in the sun, and it is getting dark so early now. I am using all of my skills though to get through this hard time. I am lighting candles to help me relax, putting on my favorite lotion, taking relaxing baths, reading, talking to friends and family. I'm starting to have thoughts of suicide again. I just tell myself, "Suicide is not an option." over and over again. Then I tell myself reasons to live, that this shall pass, and I will feel better soon.

I had a very bad flashback Saturday night. After four hours of struggling to get through it, I went to the ER. I was at the ER for about 6 hours. They didn't really do anything to help me. The flashback finally passed in time, I fell asleep, and was good to go. My anxiety was still high so they gave me a dose of Trazodone before I left. Ever since Saturday my PTSD has been causing a lot of symptoms. It's hard to let my kids sit near me. I really want my space. My anxiety is higher, and I am more hyper vigilant. I am so tired of these symptoms. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of fighting so hard only to have another setback. Three steps forward and two steps back seems to be my pace. I would rather stay at three steps forward. I'll take the single step forward in the end though. I am coping very well with my symptoms. Even though it is hard. Even though there are times I think it would be so much easier to be dead and not have to fight to feel better. I am coping. I am not in the hospital. And my symptoms are not increasing at a rapid pace. Hopefully I can keep them at this level until things start to improve. Sticking to a routine I have found helps a lot. I wake up in the morning, shower, fix breakfast for my kids, set a goal for the day, and then at some point I accomplish that goal. It helps a lot when I stick to my routine.

Testing Today

Today I took the Work Keys test. I did very well on it scoring a 6 on the math and 5's on the reading comprehension sections. I can now start my EMT training. The minimum score I needed was a 3 on all three sections. So I did great! After testing I picked my kids up from the friend who was watching them for me, and headed home. I took a nap this afternoon and that was about it for my day. I didn't do much today. My depression is starting to creep back into my week. I am having bad days more often, and this afternoon I did not feel well. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of digging myself out of this hole, and then falling back into it when the medication stops working as well. Tomorrow will be a better day though. I have errands to run, and things to do to keep me busy all day. Saturday we are going to visit my parents for the day, so tomorrow I need to clean my house, do laundry, go grocery shopping, and write a letter to my little sister who is serving a mission for our church in Omaha, Nebraska. Keeping busy will be a good healthy distraction from feeling down. Hopefully I will have the energy I need to get everything done. If not, well that's why they make Mountain Dew.

Happy Wednesday

So today was my last day of Work Keys class. Tomorrow is the test! I am a little nervous because I am competitive and want to score the highest. At the same time I am calm because I know I will score high enough to qualify for the EMT program. I saw my psychiatrist today. And she agreed with me that I am doing well enough to not need to be seen every two weeks. So now I am at a month. Once a month is awesome! I have come so far from where I was in 2009. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father who has watched over me, and carried me when I was too weak to walk alone.
I am very pleased with how well I am doing. I feel so much better. Better than I have felt in the last 19 months. I feel as if I am on a new path in life. It is a great feeling. I may still have bad days, but I am equipped to handle them. I just have to remember my coping skills. Life is very good today.

A few rough days

I just finished my emotion chart for yesterday and today. It is a chart that allows me to rank how I feel, ie:Good/Happy, Anxious/Tense, Miserable, Angry/Irritable, Depressed, Hopeful, Empty/Alone, Disconnected/Unreal, and Physically Bad. It then has me chart any urges to cope in a negative way, ie:cutting, taking extra meds, smoking, drinking, doing street drugs. Those are the ones on the form, not my specific urges. Then it lists all the different tools I learned through Dialect Behavioral Therapy and how I used the skills,Ie: thought about using, but didn't, thought about using helped, didn't think about using/used/helped. Yesterday I had a rough day, and today is not so good either. I feel depressed, miserable, emotional pain, and physical pain. I have used a lot, almost all 16 tools, to keep myself from getting worse. I cleaned my kitchen. Called my friends and chatted. Cooked dinner. And right now I have bread dough rising to bake some bread tonight. So even though I am having a rough day, I am doing well. I am not getting worse, I am coping, and I am overcoming my depression. I may always feel a little depressed. Sometimes it gets that bad; I stay in my pajamas all day, and sit on the couch with my eyes half shut. But I have learned getting into a routine helps. I take a nice hot shower before bed, then put on my favorite most comfortable pajamas, and when I wake up I get my kids dressed and I fix them breakfast. Then I pop open a can of Mountain Dew, and get some caffeine in my system to help me stay motivated. This morning I forgot my Mountain Dew. I could tell a big difference not having one until this afternoon. I am really grateful to the staff at Sharp Mesa Vista hospital in San Diego that helped me learn the DBT tools and skills so that I can learn to live with my disease, instead of letting my disease run my life.

Weekend Accomplishments

Well I had a great weekend. I took my kids to the park for the first time in two months. I attended my church's Christmas Party, and I attended my husband's National Guard Company's Family Day. Saturday night after the Christmas party I felt overwhelmed. It was a lot, but I had a good time. I was very tired afterwards though, it took a lot of energy to be there. It took a lot of coping skills to deal with being around so many people. Family Day today was a bit easier. I think is was easier because my husband was there. He is such a big, strong man. I always feel safer when he is around. Looking back at my weekend I am very pleased with myself. Getting out of my house so much is huge. And I felt safer in my house than I have lately. My anxiety was pretty low all weekend. I coped well when my anxiety started to get high, and I managed to do a lot. It was a good weekend. Full of progress. I feel as if I have crossed a bridge into a new, healthier place. It feels good to be able to gain control over my emotions.

We went to the Park!!!

I am so happy after taking my kids to the park today. It was the perfect trip. We took snowflake, our dog, with us. The kids had a blast running and climbing all over the playground. I had fun watching them. Instead of sitting there thinking about all the bad things that could happen. I sat there telling myself I was in control. I can keep my kids safe. I don't have to be afraid. Instead of looking through my gray glasses, I looked at the playground as if it were illuminated. I was able to stay relaxed the entire time and really enjoyed being with my kids. I am so happy right now I want to dance around. I think we can start going back to the park on a regular basis now. One more thing to mark off my list as conquered and accomplished!!

New Goals

So for the last two months I have been working with Vocational Rehabilitation to get job training so I can find a job. At first I picked CNA training, then today I found out starting pay for a CNA is around $7 or $8 an hour in SC. No thank you. I can make that working at Walmart. Luckily I had an appointment today with the Career Counselor. She is the one person who oversees assessment testing before approving any tuition assistance for schools or training. I had already met with her once, and it just happened that today I had another meeting with her for some additional testing. After the testing we talked about my options. I told her my reluctance to continue with my plan to become a CNA. She agreed with my reasons and asked me what my career goals are. I told her, "To become an EMT/Paramedic." She asked me, "Why don't you do that then?", and I replied, "WIll you still cover the tuition?" She said yes, and we talked at length about the challenges I would face with my illness as an EMT, but that we both felt I was strong enough to overcome those challenges. So now I am preparing for EMT school. It starts in January.

I am very excited and a little nervous at the same time. Realistically it is going to be a challenge to do this job, but I feel called to it. I've been a firefighter before. I have dealt with the death of a fire victim. I know I can handle this job. Maybe not today, but I have four months of class to prepare me for it. That's four months of continued growth along this journey of becoming better. I know I can do this. I feel like this gives me an extra challenge everyday to cope well, and continue using the tools I have learned along the way to cope with unpleasant experiences and painful emotions.

The Past Two Days

Well life has been crazy for me this week. Yesterday was a rough day. A normal rough day that anyone could have. A symptom free rough day. It was actually a little refreshing to be stressed about normal stuff and not PTSD or Schizoaffective Disorder symptoms. I did not sleep well last night which always makes for a rough day. But I had an okay day and afternoon. My wonderful Mom came up to watch the kids for me while I went to class. Then we went to the grocery store. a busy grocery store, with both kids. And both kids whined and cried pretty much the whole time we were in the store. I was fine though. I was very happy with how well I was handling everything.
This evening was a little harder. I came home, put groceries away, and cleaned a little bit. Then I had a flashback. Basically a memory of the traumatic event that induces fear. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about what happened to me, but it doesn't always produce fear. But I was triggered, and had a flashback. That sent my anxiety up; it stayed up most of the evening. I took Klonopin, but that hasn't helped much. I think a nice cup of honey chamomile tea should help me relax. I think I'll meditate a little too. Clearing my mind and just relaxing always helps some. Again it sure is reassuring to have a dog in the house. I love my Snowflake. She helps me feel safe.