Time flies by

I didn't realize it's been nearly a week since I posted last. I have been struggling lately, having bad days. I have been working so hard on using my skills to get through the bad days I forgot about my blog. Sorry about that. So the last week my mood has been steadily declining. It is hardest at night. I think I am having a hard time because it is so cold outside I can't get out in the sun, and it is getting dark so early now. I am using all of my skills though to get through this hard time. I am lighting candles to help me relax, putting on my favorite lotion, taking relaxing baths, reading, talking to friends and family. I'm starting to have thoughts of suicide again. I just tell myself, "Suicide is not an option." over and over again. Then I tell myself reasons to live, that this shall pass, and I will feel better soon.

I had a very bad flashback Saturday night. After four hours of struggling to get through it, I went to the ER. I was at the ER for about 6 hours. They didn't really do anything to help me. The flashback finally passed in time, I fell asleep, and was good to go. My anxiety was still high so they gave me a dose of Trazodone before I left. Ever since Saturday my PTSD has been causing a lot of symptoms. It's hard to let my kids sit near me. I really want my space. My anxiety is higher, and I am more hyper vigilant. I am so tired of these symptoms. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of fighting so hard only to have another setback. Three steps forward and two steps back seems to be my pace. I would rather stay at three steps forward. I'll take the single step forward in the end though. I am coping very well with my symptoms. Even though it is hard. Even though there are times I think it would be so much easier to be dead and not have to fight to feel better. I am coping. I am not in the hospital. And my symptoms are not increasing at a rapid pace. Hopefully I can keep them at this level until things start to improve. Sticking to a routine I have found helps a lot. I wake up in the morning, shower, fix breakfast for my kids, set a goal for the day, and then at some point I accomplish that goal. It helps a lot when I stick to my routine.