A half hour after waking up today the hallucinations intensified again. I spent all day sleeping, trying to get away from the hallucinations. I'm very close to needing to be hospitalized, but I'm fighting hard to stay out. Despite all the sleep I got today I still feel drained. The hallucinations are constant when I am awake.  I can't ignore them because of how strong they are. All I can do is continually tell myself they aren't real. It takes all my strength to not hide in a corner. I have to remind myself over and over that it's not real and I am in no danger.

A laid back day

I slept most of today. Every few weeks I have a day where I sleep 3-4 hours throughout the day. I do it more frequently when the hallucinations are strong. It's draining going day by day ignoring these hallucinations. I was up past midnight yesterday settling down after the hallucination intensified during my workout yesterday. So today I had my husband take care of everything while I relaxed, slept, and got myself together. I did cook dinner and went grocery shopping, but that was about all I had the energy for.

Triggers

I was thinking back today and where I was a year ago, and how far I have come on this journey. I've been able to identify my triggers for most of my symptoms, and I have learned ways to cope with almost all my symptoms. The most difficult symptom is the hallucinations. I don't like to talk about them because giving them attention makes them stronger. I am very good at ignoring them. Tonight while working out at my community fitness center the television show I was watching triggered a very strong hallucination. One of the characters on the show had a nightmare, and in the nightmare the zombies chasing her resembled the demonic figures that I see and ignore everyday. I had to immediately leave. I called my brother to chat while I walked back to my apartment. An hour later I am still struggling and trying to calm down so I can go to sleep. What is so disturbing is their voices in my head. Telling me to kill myself. Telling me how I should kill myself. Everyday I not only have to ignore these messages, but remind myself why I want to live. Everyday I wake up and force myself to be grateful for a new day. I hold very tightly to my hopes, dreams, and goals for the future. I soak up all the time with my kids that I can. I can't take any moment for granted because I am constantly fighting for survival. But I survive, I do it well, and no one should worry about my safety. I'm a fighter, and when it gets to be too much I fight even harder and go to the hospital so that I know I am safe and getting as much help as I can.

Late night=short post

Today was a good day. My Mom came to visit for a few hours. We made puppets with the kids. My kids went to bed on time. I got a good workout in. Now I am going to sleep.

Accomplishments

Today was a very good day. I was in a great state of mind all day, my kids behaved and were relatively quite the whole day. In my spare time today I sat with yarn and a crochet hook and retaught myself the granny square pattern I learned a year ago. A whole day's labor netted two completed granny squares. I had to undo a lot of what I did as I tried to figure out the pattern again. But I've got it in my head and now have a hobby that I enjoy and can easily do in my spare time. I have learned that keeping busy with mindful activities helps a lot to fight the depression. I also went to my community's fitness center and ran/walked a mile.
I'm physically in the worst shape I have ever been in. Normally I can just go jog whenever I feel like it and run 3-5 miles. The last year with the many hospitalizations I got out of my routine. I also was on several medications that made me gain a lot of weight. So 60lbs later I'm proud of the fact that I ran for 9 minutes, and then walked the rest of the mile. I'm giving myself a month to get back to running at least 2 miles. I figure if I add a minute a day I'll quickly get back into shape. I want to be very careful since I have so much extra weight on me. The last thing I need is a physical injury that keeps me from being able to exercise. There are so many benefits to exercise. You physically feel better when you exercise, and during exercise endorphins are released in the brain. Endorphins, as I understand it, is the happy brain chemical. More happy brain chemicals the better!! So it is now 10:30pm and I feel like I had a very good day all because I kept busy with a productive, relaxing hobby and got in a 30 minute workout! Small changes can lead to big consequences. If you don't like the consequences change your choices!
In the long run there really isn't any little decision. Imagine life as a railroad track, and ever decision is a junction in the track. If the rail moves just a few inches you switch tracks. A mile of track later you could be several miles off course and in need of a major change to get back on course. So to feel better start with the seemingly small choices that help. Taking a shower can be an accomplishment, putting on makeup, opening a window, going for a walk. Small steps can start the journey of a lifetime.

Standing Back Up

Sorry about missing a few days, the weekend threw me off. It was a rough weekend. I set expectations to high for myself and because I could not meet those goals and expectations I became discouraged and depressed. One thing I still have to learn is to accept my limits. Invincibility does not mean nothing knocks you down. The superhero always has a villain that almost defeats him, but the super hero refuses to quit fighting and wins in the end. Being invincible is a state of mind; it is refusing to stay down when life knocks you over. So I took yesterday to dust myself off from a rough weekend and stand back up.
When I was a kid one of my favorite places to explore was the thorny thickets in the woods behind my parents' home. It took a lot of work to navigate through the thorns, and it was impossible to do so without getting a few nicks. But inside the thicket was the most beautiful, serene environment. The sunlight cut through the thorns in beams casting a beautiful light inside. I often times would sit and listen to the birds, enjoying the peace that one can only enjoy after a struggle is ended. The time and effort to get through the thistles was well worth it because of the peace found inside.

PTSD Sucks. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is a beast. Imagine, if you can, experiencing a traumatic event, and then for some reason you continue experiencing that event over and over again. Imagine reliving it everyday, all day long. Gratefully, I am not that severe anymore. I was edgy all day long, but that was it. But before when it was all day long, that's why my fun combination of PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder led to so many hospitalizations. Today just my therapist asking me if I was ready to work on the PTSD caused a rough day. I could not stand for my kids to touch me. My daughter a dear little 4 year old kept coming up this evening and grabbing my arm and face to grab my attention. Luckily I have learned a few coping techniques and was able to manage without screaming. I really wanted to scream though, a big shout "What are you doing! Stop grabbing me!!!" Instead I was able to take a deep breath, remind myself she is 4 years old, and told her to say excuse me to get my attention. Then when she said excuse me I gave her my attention.
I feel as if I never catch a break. Yesterday was so good, and today could have been too. The hallucinations were very few today. I had so much energy for life! Bit PTSD like a cancer stole my energy and put me in an unstable emotional setting. It took all my energy to not be angry at my kids, to not yell at them, to not shout, to stay calm and controlled all day. I wanted to hide in a hole and cry. I wanted to be angry at everyone and everything. I wanted a drink. A nice stiff drink to help me settle down. But I don't drink, alcohol is a depressant and not safe with all the meds I am on. Also I am a Latter Day Saint and believe that alcohol is not healthy for the body. So I abstain from alcohol even though I really want a drink. It's difficult to explain, but I want a drink and I don't want a drink all that the same time. Lots of stuff rolling around in my head tonight.

I've got no strings...

Today was a REALLY good day. I found myself singing and humming to myself for no reason other than I finally had the energy to. Today I had sporadic hallucinations. Very minimal. It was a great day. And as it closes and I think about it, I realized that bad days are like being a puppet. I will feel a SNAP in my head, like someone pulling on a string, and I'm losing my mind. My kids might irritate the littlest bit, and SNAP I'm shouting at them to stop. Or something makes me sad and SNAP I feel like the world is ending, and I'm crying my eyes out. SNAP I feel like ending my life so that I don't have to see the pain in other people's lives in the cruel dark world. SNAP I feel as if I'm sitting in a deep dark hole. SNAP and I'm jerking all over the place like an emotional puppet.
That is why it is so important to take my Medication. It minimizes the snaps. I have two alarms set on my cell phone. One in the morning to take my AM meds, one in the evening for my PM meds. When it goes off I take my meds. Simple and easy. Sure I hate that I am on six different medications. I don't want to take my meds, but I know they help. When I forget a dose a week later the hallucinations start again. Two doses in a week and I am very close to needing hospitalization. So rule number one, accept the unchangeable, accept your limits and needs. Rule number two follow your doctors orders. Rule number three get 8 hours of sleep every night. Sleep helps! I am violating rule number three right now. It's very close to midnight and my kids normally wake up around 7am;sometimes earlier. So adieu.

"Paranoia, Paranoia, everybody's trying to get me..."

Paranoia is a symptom of PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder; I get the one, two punch. it is very difficult for me to be around other people because of this symptom. I have medication for the anxiety that I take in advance of leaving my house, but that only helps so much. A trip to Walmart is an accomplishment, I'm still hoping to be able to soon stay at church for the full 3 hour block of meetings and worship. Not that church is difficult or fear evoking for me. It's that leaving my house is fear evoking. All the many variables that leaving my nice controlled environment frighten me. I have to constantly remind myself that I am capable of keeping myself safe, that nothing bad is going to happen.
Taking my kids with me adds to my worries. I not only have to think about my safety, but their's also. It is too much sometimes, and I can not count the number of shopping trips cut short because of a panic attack. My dear, patient husband is understanding and rarely complains, but I always hate having to leave the store because I can't handle the uncontrolled environment.
Things are getting better though. I am slowly improving. I managed just fine today on a quick trip to the grocery store with my daughter. No medication needed before hand. And three weeks ago I was able to stay for 2 hours of church. I have to pay attention to these things because it is so easy to get caught up in the 'shoulda, woulda, coulda's' of life and negate my accomplishment. For me there is no small accomplishment. Not when battling a mental illness. Every achievement is a milestone, every success worth celebrating.Everyday with my family is a good day.

Mindfulness

I'm tired. I've been hallucinating for more than a week and I'm tired. For more than a week I've been ignoring three shadowy, cloaked, demonic figures and their voices. I've managed to care for myself and my family, clean, cook, shower, bathe my kids each night. I've maintained a routine to provide stability for my children. Tonight I'm exhausted. A stay in the hospital is starting to look less and less displeasurable if it will just make everything stop! My husband checks on my throughout the days asking me how I am, and all I can answer is, "Ok." I hate the look of concern on his face, and knowing he is scared because I hear voices telling me I don't deserve to live.

Ok well enough complaining. What helps? Mindfulness. Becoming mindful of everything else around me helps me ignore the voices and the demons. I pay attention to how my clothes feel against my skin, the sound of my feet while I walk, how it feels to sit on a hard chair. I must be good at it because here I am not in the hospital! Everyday not in the hospital is a good day. When I have a flashback I focus on one point in the present, a spot on the carpet or a picture on the wall. That is all I see, it's like setting an anchor waiting for a wave to come. The flashback comes and passes, but I stay rooted in the present. It works.

Chaos Time

Well I wasn't able to exercise yesterday. It took me an hour and a half to get my two kids to bed last night. Once they were finally asleep it was time for me to take my evening medicine and go to sleep myself. Today I saw my therapist and expressed my frustration with the situation. He recommended I start scheduling Chaos Time. Setting aside time each day for when things just are not going my way. By doing this I allow myself time for the chaos of life, and I can use that time to recognize what I did get done. For example (paraphrasing his words still) Even though I was not able to work out, I was able to care for my children. I'm living with a very difficult illness, and managing to care for myself AND my children. I hadn't thought of that as much of an accomplishment, but it is. I have been having visual and auditory hallucinations on and off for a week now, and I am still able to care for myself and my family. That is huge! Not getting in a workout is ok because I was taking care of my children, and taking care of my children is such a huge accomplishment in itself right now because of my current symptoms.
I think Chaos Time is something every parent needs to schedule. With toddlers things are always taking longer than planned, and it is very easy when something takes you longer than expected to get down on yourself. The fact is you are taking care of your child(ren) and with that flexibility is a must. Setting some time aside each day to evaluate that chaos, and find the accomplishments of the day is vital for anyone's mental stability.

Crackers and Raspberries

My son is running circles in the living room eating crackers and blowing raspberries, my daughter is trying to watch a movie, my husband is enjoying his weekend playing video games on his laptop, and I'm working on my blog. Fun times right? I wouldn't know. Today my depression is worse, and I am numb to emotion. I just don't care right now. I want to care, I want to feel normal, but I feel like crap. I'm sleeping all the time and I can't help it. I have no motivation to keep my house clean, I don't want to work out, I don't want to read. All I want to do is sleep. Can I sleep for three days before I have to do anything? That would be great, a three day break so I can just sleep. A five day sleeping marathon sounds even better.
I feel bad for my husband who has to watch me losing interest in everything. He has to pull my teeth to get me to talk to him. It's not intentional, I just don't care to talk to anyone right now. I feel like I'm living in a cloud. Everything is darker and grey. The recent move from Oceanside, CA to Columbia, SC really set me back. I'm still recuperating 3 weeks later! I hate this feeling, I want to pull it together and just hop into the sunshine. There is no pulling it together though. I can control my behavior, keep myself safe, workout, but I can't just snap out of it. Which sucks. It really, really sucks.
So in an effort to choose actions that will help my mood I am going to set goals. Writing a goal down increases the likelihood of accomplishing it. So my goal for today is to workout and clean my house for 30 minutes. My goal for the week is to workout daily, and continue working on my blog. I just realized I have yet to say why I am working on this blog. Simple really, I want to break down the stereotypes and beliefs about mental illness. I'm trying to break barriers.

My story

A year ago I started seeing a Psychiatrist for depression and paranoia stemming from having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not going to get into details about what happened to cause me to suffer from PTSD. During the summer months I started to have Manic episodes and I was diagnosed as having Bipolar DIsorder. My life started to unravel. In June I had to be hospitalized for 10 days because of suicidal ideations (basically having thoughts about killing myself). After my first hospitalization the paranoia worsened, I started to suffer from Panic Attacks as well. A few weeks later towards the end of July I was hospitalized again. After my second hospitalization I was able to get into an Intensive Outpatient Program. I went to the Mental Hospital everyday for treatment. This helped a lot, but the thing about mental illness is if you aren't on the right medications or you stop taking them, eventually you will crash again.
I was hospitalized again, and again, and a few more times. All in all 8 hospitalizations. And in that time frame I never once missed an appointment or a dose of medication. I exercised, I avoided isolating myself. I did everything I could to control my illness. After my third hospitalization I started having hallucinations as well. I saw demons and heard voices. It took several months, but my diagnosis changed from Bipolar to Schizoaffective Disorder. The National Alliance on Mental Illness defines Schizoaffective Disorder this way, "Schizoaffective disorder is one of the more common, chronic, and disabling mental illnesses. As the name implies, it is characterized by a combination of symptoms of schizophrenia and an affective (mood) disorder" Basically it's Schizophrenia with Bipolar symptoms. Fun for me, right?
You all know me, I'm a hard working individual. I was knocked down by this. I have been blessed with tremendous strength, but every day is a struggle. And I have found that a lot of people, don't understand mental illnesses. There is no snapping out of it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work. There's no magic cure. It's a difficult, and for me a long path, finding the right combination of drugs to manage the symptoms. Today was the first day In about a year that I was able to run errands with both my kids (ages 4 and 2), without my husband coming with me, and the entire time I was able to stay in control of my emotions. I had a panic attack, but I remained in control. Looking back at my day and that accomplishment I want to jump up and down and sing!
I'm not crazy, I'm not sick, my brain chemistry is unbalanced. With the right medications I am slowly balancing back out. For a whole year I've tried to be 'normal' and my greatest success was today, having a panic attack at the store, with two screaming, hot, tired toddlers, and not breaking down and calling my husband in tears. You all know me, imagine someone suffering from this that isn't as strong as I am. (I'm not in any way trying to brag about myself. I'm not sure how to word this so I don't sound arrogant. But know I'm not tooting my own horn here.) Can you see how this is a disabling illness for so many. I have been such a flake the last year. To those who I made plans with for while you were in the San Diego area, and I never followed through I'm sorry. I tried I promise, but it's been hard. So hard that some days my greatest success was getting out of bed.
So why am I telling my story? To help people gain some understanding. To break up stereotypes, and ignorant judgements. The next time you hear about someone suffering from a mental illness, remember they didn't choose it. Remember you can't snap out of it. Remember me wether you remember me as an awkward teenager that ran track and cross country, a newly wed young adult, or more recently as a mom. Remember me, my strength, integrity, humor, and zest for life. Remember that I said it kicked my can. And then try to feel a little empathy for whomever you heard about having a mental illness. Try not to judge. Again, no one chooses to have a mental illness. It just happens and it is a struggle every day. And if you hear anyone making a derogatory comment about anyone who has a mental illness feel free to share my story if it might help them understand a little better.