PTSD Sucks. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is a beast. Imagine, if you can, experiencing a traumatic event, and then for some reason you continue experiencing that event over and over again. Imagine reliving it everyday, all day long. Gratefully, I am not that severe anymore. I was edgy all day long, but that was it. But before when it was all day long, that's why my fun combination of PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder led to so many hospitalizations. Today just my therapist asking me if I was ready to work on the PTSD caused a rough day. I could not stand for my kids to touch me. My daughter a dear little 4 year old kept coming up this evening and grabbing my arm and face to grab my attention. Luckily I have learned a few coping techniques and was able to manage without screaming. I really wanted to scream though, a big shout "What are you doing! Stop grabbing me!!!" Instead I was able to take a deep breath, remind myself she is 4 years old, and told her to say excuse me to get my attention. Then when she said excuse me I gave her my attention.
I feel as if I never catch a break. Yesterday was so good, and today could have been too. The hallucinations were very few today. I had so much energy for life! Bit PTSD like a cancer stole my energy and put me in an unstable emotional setting. It took all my energy to not be angry at my kids, to not yell at them, to not shout, to stay calm and controlled all day. I wanted to hide in a hole and cry. I wanted to be angry at everyone and everything. I wanted a drink. A nice stiff drink to help me settle down. But I don't drink, alcohol is a depressant and not safe with all the meds I am on. Also I am a Latter Day Saint and believe that alcohol is not healthy for the body. So I abstain from alcohol even though I really want a drink. It's difficult to explain, but I want a drink and I don't want a drink all that the same time. Lots of stuff rolling around in my head tonight.