Triggers

I was thinking back today and where I was a year ago, and how far I have come on this journey. I've been able to identify my triggers for most of my symptoms, and I have learned ways to cope with almost all my symptoms. The most difficult symptom is the hallucinations. I don't like to talk about them because giving them attention makes them stronger. I am very good at ignoring them. Tonight while working out at my community fitness center the television show I was watching triggered a very strong hallucination. One of the characters on the show had a nightmare, and in the nightmare the zombies chasing her resembled the demonic figures that I see and ignore everyday. I had to immediately leave. I called my brother to chat while I walked back to my apartment. An hour later I am still struggling and trying to calm down so I can go to sleep. What is so disturbing is their voices in my head. Telling me to kill myself. Telling me how I should kill myself. Everyday I not only have to ignore these messages, but remind myself why I want to live. Everyday I wake up and force myself to be grateful for a new day. I hold very tightly to my hopes, dreams, and goals for the future. I soak up all the time with my kids that I can. I can't take any moment for granted because I am constantly fighting for survival. But I survive, I do it well, and no one should worry about my safety. I'm a fighter, and when it gets to be too much I fight even harder and go to the hospital so that I know I am safe and getting as much help as I can.