My story

A year ago I started seeing a Psychiatrist for depression and paranoia stemming from having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not going to get into details about what happened to cause me to suffer from PTSD. During the summer months I started to have Manic episodes and I was diagnosed as having Bipolar DIsorder. My life started to unravel. In June I had to be hospitalized for 10 days because of suicidal ideations (basically having thoughts about killing myself). After my first hospitalization the paranoia worsened, I started to suffer from Panic Attacks as well. A few weeks later towards the end of July I was hospitalized again. After my second hospitalization I was able to get into an Intensive Outpatient Program. I went to the Mental Hospital everyday for treatment. This helped a lot, but the thing about mental illness is if you aren't on the right medications or you stop taking them, eventually you will crash again.
I was hospitalized again, and again, and a few more times. All in all 8 hospitalizations. And in that time frame I never once missed an appointment or a dose of medication. I exercised, I avoided isolating myself. I did everything I could to control my illness. After my third hospitalization I started having hallucinations as well. I saw demons and heard voices. It took several months, but my diagnosis changed from Bipolar to Schizoaffective Disorder. The National Alliance on Mental Illness defines Schizoaffective Disorder this way, "Schizoaffective disorder is one of the more common, chronic, and disabling mental illnesses. As the name implies, it is characterized by a combination of symptoms of schizophrenia and an affective (mood) disorder" Basically it's Schizophrenia with Bipolar symptoms. Fun for me, right?
You all know me, I'm a hard working individual. I was knocked down by this. I have been blessed with tremendous strength, but every day is a struggle. And I have found that a lot of people, don't understand mental illnesses. There is no snapping out of it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work. There's no magic cure. It's a difficult, and for me a long path, finding the right combination of drugs to manage the symptoms. Today was the first day In about a year that I was able to run errands with both my kids (ages 4 and 2), without my husband coming with me, and the entire time I was able to stay in control of my emotions. I had a panic attack, but I remained in control. Looking back at my day and that accomplishment I want to jump up and down and sing!
I'm not crazy, I'm not sick, my brain chemistry is unbalanced. With the right medications I am slowly balancing back out. For a whole year I've tried to be 'normal' and my greatest success was today, having a panic attack at the store, with two screaming, hot, tired toddlers, and not breaking down and calling my husband in tears. You all know me, imagine someone suffering from this that isn't as strong as I am. (I'm not in any way trying to brag about myself. I'm not sure how to word this so I don't sound arrogant. But know I'm not tooting my own horn here.) Can you see how this is a disabling illness for so many. I have been such a flake the last year. To those who I made plans with for while you were in the San Diego area, and I never followed through I'm sorry. I tried I promise, but it's been hard. So hard that some days my greatest success was getting out of bed.
So why am I telling my story? To help people gain some understanding. To break up stereotypes, and ignorant judgements. The next time you hear about someone suffering from a mental illness, remember they didn't choose it. Remember you can't snap out of it. Remember me wether you remember me as an awkward teenager that ran track and cross country, a newly wed young adult, or more recently as a mom. Remember me, my strength, integrity, humor, and zest for life. Remember that I said it kicked my can. And then try to feel a little empathy for whomever you heard about having a mental illness. Try not to judge. Again, no one chooses to have a mental illness. It just happens and it is a struggle every day. And if you hear anyone making a derogatory comment about anyone who has a mental illness feel free to share my story if it might help them understand a little better.