"Paranoia, Paranoia, everybody's trying to get me..."

Paranoia is a symptom of PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder; I get the one, two punch. it is very difficult for me to be around other people because of this symptom. I have medication for the anxiety that I take in advance of leaving my house, but that only helps so much. A trip to Walmart is an accomplishment, I'm still hoping to be able to soon stay at church for the full 3 hour block of meetings and worship. Not that church is difficult or fear evoking for me. It's that leaving my house is fear evoking. All the many variables that leaving my nice controlled environment frighten me. I have to constantly remind myself that I am capable of keeping myself safe, that nothing bad is going to happen.
Taking my kids with me adds to my worries. I not only have to think about my safety, but their's also. It is too much sometimes, and I can not count the number of shopping trips cut short because of a panic attack. My dear, patient husband is understanding and rarely complains, but I always hate having to leave the store because I can't handle the uncontrolled environment.
Things are getting better though. I am slowly improving. I managed just fine today on a quick trip to the grocery store with my daughter. No medication needed before hand. And three weeks ago I was able to stay for 2 hours of church. I have to pay attention to these things because it is so easy to get caught up in the 'shoulda, woulda, coulda's' of life and negate my accomplishment. For me there is no small accomplishment. Not when battling a mental illness. Every achievement is a milestone, every success worth celebrating.Everyday with my family is a good day.