Ok well enough complaining. What helps? Mindfulness. Becoming mindful of everything else around me helps me ignore the voices and the demons. I pay attention to how my clothes feel against my skin, the sound of my feet while I walk, how it feels to sit on a hard chair. I must be good at it because here I am not in the hospital!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Mindfulness
I'm tired. I've been hallucinating for more than a week and I'm tired. For more than a week I've been ignoring three shadowy, cloaked, demonic figures and their voices. I've managed to care for myself and my family, clean, cook, shower, bathe my kids each night. I've maintained a routine to provide stability for my children. Tonight I'm exhausted. A stay in the hospital is starting to look less and less displeasurable if it will just make everything stop! My husband checks on my throughout the days asking me how I am, and all I can answer is, "Ok." I hate the look of concern on his face, and knowing he is scared because I hear voices telling me I don't deserve to live.
Ok well enough complaining. What helps? Mindfulness. Becoming mindful of everything else around me helps me ignore the voices and the demons. I pay attention to how my clothes feel against my skin, the sound of my feet while I walk, how it feels to sit on a hard chair. I must be good at it because here I am not in the hospital! Everyday not in the hospital is a good day. When I have a flashback I focus on one point in the present, a spot on the carpet or a picture on the wall. That is all I see, it's like setting an anchor waiting for a wave to come. The flashback comes and passes, but I stay rooted in the present. It works.
Ok well enough complaining. What helps? Mindfulness. Becoming mindful of everything else around me helps me ignore the voices and the demons. I pay attention to how my clothes feel against my skin, the sound of my feet while I walk, how it feels to sit on a hard chair. I must be good at it because here I am not in the hospital!
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Thanks for doing this blog. It really is helping me to understand mental illness better. I think that it's something that people don't usually think about or understand unless they experience it, but the way you've put your experiences and thoughts down really makes sense. I really mean that.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. You remain in our prayers.