My New Dog

I had been thinking about getting a dog. My husband and kids have slowly been trying to convince Mommy to get a dog. So we finally got a dog. She is a 8 1/2 month old mutt puppy. She is medium sized, but has a big bark. I feel a lot safer at night having her here. She has taken to our family very quickly. She has gotten used to the kids, and has mastered the "Please feed me table scraps" look. She doesn't act like a puppy. She is very mellow and quiet. She is the perfect dog for us, and I feel so much better having a dog to help protect our home.
Today I had class for the Vocational Rehabilitation Department. They are helping me get job training as a CNA. Before I can start my CNA training I have to take the Work Keys test. It is a test used in 40 states to determine your math skills and reading comprehension abilities. So for two weeks I have class Mon-Thur. The final Thursday I take the test. So today I had to go sit in a classroom full of people I don't know for 4 hours! And I handled it just fine! I was nervous when I first found out about it, that I would have a difficult time. I had a panic attack when I first got the information. Just the thought of a new environment scared me, but I was ok today.
After coming home I rested some while my son napped, and then I took my kids shopping. Another success! Shopping is always difficult with my kids. And if it is a store with small shopping carts it is extra difficult because then I can't put my daughter in the cart. So while she played in the clothes racks I shopped. I kept reminding her to stay close, I had to threaten her with timeout when we got home, but she stayed close and I was ok. Again huge steps towards being able to do normal things again. My next goal is taking them to the park. For some reason that is very difficult for me, and I have no desire to take them to the park. Ever. But wanting to avoid my kids in 20 years telling a therapist how awful it was growing up because Mom was such a control freak and couldn't handle leaving the house even to go play at the park. I know I need to take them. So one day soon I'll have the courage, and take my Klonopin and we will go to the park. That's my goal for the next two weeks. One afternoon in the next two weeks I will take them to the park again.

Sunday

I made it to church today. I managed to stay for 30 minutes of the service. Same as last week. It is still a huge accomplishment though because I woke up not wanting to go. I knew I needed to go though, if I stay away I'll never get to where I can stay for the whole block of meetings. So I got dressed, got my kids ready, and went. All without having high anxiety or a panic attack. Once we were there I was able to keep my kids quiet with the few books, crayons, and bendaroos I took in my bag. As more people started to enter the chapel my anxiety got higher, and by the time the sacrament was blessed and passed to the congregation I was ready to go home. So we left, but I was very proud of myself for how I handled it all.
I can tell a huge difference in my mood since having my meds adjusted and giving them the time to kick in fully. My symptoms of depression are still there, but not nearly as bad. I have to tools to cope with bad days and hard times. My anxiety and paranoia are the two symptoms I really need help with still. I am working on those, and they are starting to get better. As I work on the PTSD those will get better. They may not ever go away, but they will get better. I am very grateful to live in a time where the medications are available to help me, for a good therapist, and most importantly for an amazing Psychiatrist who takes the time to get to know me, my symptoms, and how to best help me.

A Good Day

Today was a really good day. I remembered to take my Klonopin which is my anti anxiety medication this morning and this afternoon. With that in my system all day I was nice and relaxed. I was not fearful at all. I even did a thorough shopping trip today with both kids. It was grocery shopping, no way was I about to face the crowds on black Friday. I never did enjoy shopping in a crowded store. The only down side to all my medication is the personality change. Maybe it's not the meds, but just my experiences over the last year and a half. I'm not the happy go lucky person I once was. I don't crack jokes as often, I don't get excited very easily. I miss my old self. The old me before I got sick. The torment of frightening hallucinations has affected me. Life doesn't hold the joy it once did. Maybe I can get that back. I want to get that back. Something for me to think about, how to get that joy, energy, and happiness back.

Happy Thanksgiving

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family. It was a nice holiday to sit back and think about all the things I am grateful for. I found it relaxing and enjoyable. My anxiety was fairly low all day. It started to rise as the sun went down, but after taking my medications I am doing much better. I feel as if things are improving for me. I just need to remember to be patient.

Therapy Wednesday

I saw my therapist today. She is awesome! Basically we talked about stuff, and then more stuff, and then some other stuff. Okay so I am not going into specifics about what I talk to my therapist about. However, she did help me realize I need to be patient with myself and recognize the accomplishments I am making. So my list of accomplishments: I can go to the store without needing to take extra Klonopin, I can let my kids sit in my lap, I can recognize when I am having a hard time at night and cope accordingly by sleeping on the couch with the lights on, I can recognize when I need me time, communicate that need to my husband, and then distract myself with some healthy coping skills without the distraction of my kids. I am also showering everyday, doing my hair and make up, paying attention to the clothes I wear, and not just throwing something clean on. I am keeping my house clean, I am cooking dinner every night, I am blogging regularly again, I exercised this week, I coped well with a flashback, and I went all day today without a nap even though my kids woke me up at 4am eating ice cream.
So thinking of all those accomplishments makes me feel very good, and not so down on myself. I realize I am making great strides, and am slowly but surely getting better.

Flashbacks

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don't want to talk about why I have PTSD, but I will say that I have it. I had a very severe flashback yesterday that lasted for several hours. It stunk. That's why I am posting this morning about it, posting last night would have been too much for me. So what is a flashback like? PTSD is in the news a lot because of combat veterans coming home with it. A flashback is not just a memory, it is reliving the event. I have had flashbacks so intense I could see the surroundings around me back to the traumatic experience. I had to run away. Luckily I was in a hospital at the time, and was immediately able to get the help I needed to get through the flashback. My flashback last night was less intense, but still very, very unpleasant. It lasted for about two hours. When it finally passed I was too scared to turn the lights off and go to bed, so I slept on my couch with all the lights on. This morning I am tired, but better. Thank goodness. I see my therapist this afternoon so I will be able to talk to her about it.

Kids are tornadoes

My two sweet little children were tornadoes today. They were into everything, whining about everything, and making HUGE messes where ever they went. It wouldn't have been such a bad day if I had been in a better mood. I spent all day practicing my self control and not screaming at my children. When it came time for me to go workout my anxiety was so high I just couldn't leave my house. It was dark outside already and I just couldn't leave. I was too scared. So now that my little ones are asleep I am enjoying some quiet time. My husband made the connection that it is a full moon, perhaps that was affecting everyone's mood today. I'm not sure what was up with my kids, but they were just too much today. I just wanted to sit down and cry a few times because of how overwhelmed I felt. I did get them to sit still few about 10 minutes while we played candy land. Jenifer did not want to share her game, so she pulled out chutes and ladders and played by herself. She was very proud and excited when she won. It's the cute moments that help me get through the hard times. I love my kids, they help me so much, but today it would have been nice if they had behaved a little better. Oh well I managed. I got through the day without yelling at anyone and without crying. Now I am going to clean my house so I can wake up to a fresh start in the morning.

Exercise, the cure all

So I finally went and worked out today. For the past 6 months I have been telling myself I need to exercise. That exercise will help me feel so much better. Well I ran for 30 minutes today, and I feel AWESOME! No paranoia, no fear, maybe a little caution. I'll take caution though over the extreme fear I was feeling. Today was an ok day. I made it to church for the first half hour. Then I had to leave. A half hour is much better than not going though!! I came home, made lunch for the kids and myself, I put my son down for a nap, turned on my daughter's computer games, and I took a nap. A nice long 2 hour nap on the couch. I love Sunday afternoon naps. Then I woke up cleaned a little, cooked dinner, and went to work out. I am so glad I went to work out. The joy I feel because the paranoia is gone is indescribable. A huge weight is gone from around my neck. I feel peace. Wonderful peace. It's been a good day.

My apologies

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I spent the day down at my parent's house. I'll post again this evening and give everyone an update about my day.

Friday

FRiDAY!! My husband is off this weekend, so that means I get him all to myself. I always feel safer when my husband is home. He's a big guy, former Special Forces Marine Corps. He can handle anything. I always feel safe when he is around. I am counting down until I see my therapist on Wednesday. I really want to work on my paranoia and anxiety. I was able to go grocery shopping today, and at a new grocery store I had never been to before!! Then I came home put groceries away, gave my kids a snack, and put my youngest down for a nap. My kids are amazing. It's been a rough year and a half on them, with me in and out of the hospital every few months. In the beginning I was hospitalized every 6 weeks or so. It was very difficult on them. But my kids are resilient, and we got them into see a family therapist to help them cope with Mommy being gone. We learned a lot of good strategies to help them with the constant unpredictability. My kids are my motivation to get better, when my depression is so bad I don't have that motivation for myself. They have saved my life countless times, and they always are aware of when Mommy is having a hard time. I get extra hugs, kisses, and I love you's from them. They are my joy.
Sometimes though they are my trigger. I have to feel in control of an environment to feel at ease. And as anyone with small children knows, there is no way to control them. You can't tell them sit still and be quiet. They just aren't built to be quiet. They are inquisitive, excited, balls of energy. This evening was very hard for me. I really needed some quiet. Luckily I have a great husband who took some of his time to play quiet games with the kids, and read them a story so that I could relax a little. He even offered to let me go lie down. Since sleeping is so difficult for me I declined, but it meant so much that he offered.Having a supportive understanding family helps me so much. Sometimes it gets to be too much for my husband, and he tells me he needs a timeout. That's when I know to leave him alone for an hour or so, let him process everything, and then he can come back and give me the support I need.
I love my family so much, without them I would be in a far worse condition than I am now.

Anxiety Day 2

Another rough day. I only left my house to do a load of laundry at the laundry facility my apartment complex has. On my way out I saw a glimpse of a demon. It may have just been a shadow, at least that is what I am telling myself so that my anxiety does not worsen. My house is all locked up for the night, but I am scared still. Right now I am scared of the demons, seeing something that isn't there. Hearing something that isn't there. It's terrifying. I want to be able to relax in my own home, instead I am tense, anxious, and scared. It stinks. The demons are terrifying. I have had hallucinations of them killing my children. They tell me I am worthless, miserable, that I should kill myself. I'll argue with them, tell them I am a good Mom, but they argue back and bring up all my faults. It is very, very difficult when I am hallucinating. You can see why I am terrified of them. I am working with my therapist to help me learn to cope. It's difficult, but I am confident I can overcome this.

Anxiety

We went to Toys R Us today with the kids. My husband wanted to get them something each because they have been behaving so well lately. I did not want to go, I knew it would be crowded this time of year. However, I don't like to avoid my problems. We went despite my concerns. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had Clonapen to take. But my psychiatrist (who is awesome!) told me to take extra at night if I needed it to help me sleep. So I ran out two weeks early. I thought I could tough it out until I saw her Friday to get a refill. We came home from Toys R Us and It took several hours for my anxiety to lessen.
I took dinner to a good friend tonight because she has been feeling a little ill lately. She just happened to ask me if I had enough Clonapen. I replied, "No I ran out."
"And why did you run out?!" she asked
"Because my psychiatrist told me to take extra if I needed it, and my insurance company won't pay for a refill until December."
"And what are you going to do about it?"
"I am going to call my doctor's office tomorrow and see if she can rewrite the prescription for the larger amount I have been taking."
"And then you are going to call me and tell me you have it filled."
"Ok. I promise."
So driving home I just thought to call my doctor's office. They were able to squeeze me in for tonight and I got the new prescription filled and I just took it. I am finally calming down, the anxiety from Toys R Us lingered all day.

What is my anxiety like? Fear. Fear of being hurt again. Fear for my children's safety. The lady behind us in line was awfully close to us. In reality probably not, but I felt as if she were standing right behind me. I wanted to ask her to back up, but I didn't want to sound rude. I was so anxious I did not know what would come out of my mouth. So I just kept it shut. The last thing I want to do is act like some paranoid whack job. Even though most of the time I am a paranoid whack job. I'm scared to leave my house, at night I am scared in my house. I live in constant fear. I hate it. I am tired of it. I want to feel peace. I want to be better. It is very discouraging for me to have the same issue every time I leave my house. I want to take my kids to the park again. I want to take them for walks. I want so much to do normal things without having an underlying fear.

My story (repeat)

A year ago I started seeing a Psychiatrist for depression and paranoia stemming from having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not going to get into details about what happened to cause me to suffer from PTSD. During the summer months I started to have Manic episodes and I was diagnosed as having Bipolar DIsorder. My life started to unravel. In June I had to be hospitalized for 10 days because of suicidal ideations (basically having thoughts about killing myself). After my first hospitalization the paranoia worsened, I started to suffer from Panic Attacks as well. A few weeks later towards the end of July I was hospitalized again. After my second hospitalization I was able to get into an Intensive Outpatient Program. I went to the Mental Hospital everyday for treatment. This helped a lot, but the thing about mental illness is if you aren't on the right medications or you stop taking them, eventually you will crash again.
I was hospitalized again, and again, and a few more times. All in all 8 hospitalizations. And in that time frame I never once missed an appointment or a dose of medication. I exercised, I avoided isolating myself. I did everything I could to control my illness. After my third hospitalization I started having hallucinations as well. I saw demons and heard voices. It took several months, but my diagnosis changed from Bipolar to Schizoaffective Disorder. The National Alliance on Mental Illness defines Schizoaffective Disorder this way, "Schizoaffective disorder is one of the more common, chronic, and disabling mental illnesses. As the name implies, it is characterized by a combination of symptoms of schizophrenia and an affective (mood) disorder" Basically it's Schizophrenia with Bipolar symptoms. Fun for me, right?
You all know me, I'm a hard working individual. I was knocked down by this. I have been blessed with tremendous strength, but every day is a struggle. And I have found that a lot of people, don't understand mental illnesses. There is no snapping out of it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work. There's no magic cure. It's a difficult, and for me a long path, finding the right combination of drugs to manage the symptoms. Today was the first day In about a year that I was able to run errands with both my kids (ages 4 and 2), without my husband coming with me, and the entire time I was able to stay in control of my emotions. I had a panic attack, but I remained in control. Looking back at my day and that accomplishment I want to jump up and down and sing!
I'm not crazy, I'm not sick, my brain chemistry is unbalanced. With the right medications I am slowly balancing back out. For a whole year I've tried to be 'normal' and my greatest success was today, having a panic attack at the store, with two screaming, hot, tired toddlers, and not breaking down and calling my husband in tears. You all know me, imagine someone suffering from this that isn't as strong as I am. (I'm not in any way trying to brag about myself. I'm not sure how to word this so I don't sound arrogant. But know I'm not tooting my own horn here.) Can you see how this is a disabling illness for so many. I have been such a flake the last year. To those who I made plans with for while you were in the San Diego area, and I never followed through I'm sorry. I tried I promise, but it's been hard. So hard that some days my greatest success was getting out of bed.
So why am I telling my story? To help people gain some understanding. To break up stereotypes, and ignorant judgements. The next time you hear about someone suffering from a mental illness, remember they didn't choose it. Remember you can't snap out of it. Remember me wether you remember me as an awkward teenager that ran track and cross country, a newly wed young adult, or more recently as a mom. Remember me, my strength, integrity, humor, and zest for life. Remember that I said it kicked my can. And then try to feel a little empathy for whomever you heard about having a mental illness. Try not to judge. Again, no one chooses to have a mental illness. It just happens and it is a struggle every day. And if you hear anyone making a derogatory comment about anyone who has a mental illness feel free to share my story if it might help them understand a little better.

A good day

Today was a good day. I woke up, made breakfast, cleaned my kitchen, showered, put on makeup, cleaned my house. Then my Mom came and she helped me take out my HUGE box of trash from organizing last Friday. We then headed to Walmart to buy a rug. I needed a rug to put under my kids table so they can do crafts without me having to worry about permanent stains to the floor. When we got home I had a few minutes before heading to an appointment with the Vocational Rehabilitation Department. The interview went well, and I have a much better understanding of how they can help me, and the process involved. I got home from that, and then we were all off to my favorite store, the Dollar Tree. I let the kids pick out a few toys, I got a few things I needed, and we headed home. My Mom left, I finished dinner, we ate dinner, and I started writing my book. I have wanted to write a book about my experiences for a while. I have been told I am a gifted writer, so I took that leap and started writing my book tonight. I hope to write a little each day, and hopefully get it published so that I can further educate people about what living with a mental illness is like. And how it is not something that you can snap out of or get over. I'm not lazy, and I am not crazy. I have a mental illness, and I have to learn to live with it everyday. One thing I ask, if you read my blog, recommend it to a friend. Email your friends and say "I'm doing my friend a favor. She wants as many people as possible to better understand mental illness. Go check this out." I would really appreciate it. I would love to see 600 hits to my blog in the next two weeks. So get to inviting please.

Blah

Today was a blah day. I did not sleep well last night. I had a lot of nightmares. I had a great week last week, I had energy everyday, I got my house nice and clean, I slept better, it was an awesome week. Today however has not been a great day. My sweet hubby sent me back to bed when he woke up and saw how tired I was. I haven't cleaned anything all day, and with two small children if you aren't cleaning your house mess just piles up around you. I'm very irritable, and nothing is helping me feel better. My paranoia is still high. I am hoping I will be alright tonight once it is dark out. The sun is setting now, and it's cloudy so it is extra gloomy for 4:45 in the afternoon. Gloomy is no fun. I need a bright sunny day. I need to get out of the house and spend some time in the sun!
I'm just telling myself tomorrow will be better. I'll take my anxiety medication tonight with my meds, and get a good nights sleep. I'll hit tomorrow hard to make up for a bad day today. Everyone has bad days. I'm allowed to have bad days. It doesn't mean I am sliding down again. It just means I had a bad day. Tomorrow will be much better.

Hyper vigilance

Every where I go where there are other people, I am on guard. Going to the store, going to the park, going to church. I am constantly worried that something is going to happen to me or my children. Going out into public is very difficult, and if I am not careful, will spark a panic attack. I have learned how to recognize when I am about to have a panic attack, and I am normally able to avoid them. It still is not fun, though, to have to leave the store early, leave church 15 minutes after I arrive, or not take my children to the park because I am scared of the unknown. I am scared though, and I can't make it go away. Last night I almost had a panic attack just thinking about going to church, but I told myself, "Maybe it will be hard, and maybe it won't be." So the fact that I went to church today with my kids was huge. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I'm tired of watching everyone around me, trying to see if anyone is acting suspiciously. It's is very tiring. I hope with therapy I can learn to relax a little in public. That would help a lot; it would be really nice to know how to cope.

Friday

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow!! I can't wait to get my meds adjusted so that I stop having these hallucinations. They were gone this morning and started again this afternoon. It's so hard at night. The darkness makes it worse somehow. I am not looking forward to daylight savings time ending this weekend. An extra hour of darkness outside is not what I need. I am just praying my psychiatrist will adjust my meds, instead of telling me I am coping well. That's what the idiot doctor at the hospital told me when I told her I had a hallucination after she lowered the dosage of my antipsychotic. Grrr why are some doctors so certain they are right, when you tell them they aren't?

Another day of sanity

Well today started out well, but this afternoon I started hearing voices, and this evening I started seeing the three stooges again. I don't want to get into specifics about what I see and hear. Giving it attention only makes the symptoms worse. So what have a done to cope. Mindfulness. I have posted about it before. I have paid so much attention to how the carpet under my feet feels, the sounds of my kids playing in their room, the smell of dinner cooking. I painted some ceramic christmas ornaments. That was a very good distraction. Well this is short and sweet. I'm off to distract from these darn hallucinations.

The Three Stooges

I started hallucinating again today. I'm not hearing voices, which is good. I am hearing sounds though, like bumps in the night. I am also seeing three demons. I call them the three stooges. It takes the edge off of it. It's hardest at night. The darkness is not my friend. It would be nice to be able to relax in a bubble bath, but they are watching me which makes it hard. My anxiety is extremely high right now because of the hallucinations. I try not to be scared of what I see. I remind myself it is not real, but they are real. They look real. I just pray I don't start hearing their voices, because they always say such awful scary things. I am so upset right now at the doctor from my recent inpatient hospitalization that screwed with my Respiridol dosage. That is my antipsychotic. I know her intentions were good; she was hoping being on less would help me have more energy and motivation during the day. But I have been having hallucinations on and off since then. I can't wait to go see my Psychiatrist on Saturday and get the dosage back to what it should be.

I am coping well though. Today I conquered a store. The last time I was there I had a panic attack. My mom was up visiting and needed to go to this store for just a minute. I intended to wait in the car with my kids. I was scared to go inside. When we got there however, there was no one else there. No other customers. So I went inside and conquered my fear!! It was a good moment when I left without having a panic attack. I also ran a few errands today, and cleaned my house. I had a good day all in all, aside from the hallucinations starting again. I just have to not focus on them, which is hard. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. It makes it hard to sleep when my anxiety is so high.

A little Mountain Dew goes a long way

Today was an okay day. I got a good nights sleep last night, and that helped me this morning. I lacked motivation, but I set my goals to clean my kids' room and their toy room. I had a panic attack on my way to the store today to buy some Mountain Dew. I'm still so scared to leave my house, and for some reason today it was too much. I had to turn around to take a Klonopin. I made it to the store, made it through the store, and home. Then I popped a Mountain Dew and found my motivation for the day. I accomplished my goals of cleaning the kids' room and the toy room! It feels really good to set a goal in the morning and accomplishing it before I go to bed. Setting small accomplishable goals makes for a great feeling when I accomplish that goal. A sense of accomplishment means a lot. It goes along with getting better. Everyday I am able to set slightly bigger goals, and looking back it feels great to be able to have gotten so much done just by starting out one day with a goal to get up and showered in the morning. I used to set weekly goals, but I have found setting a daily goal works so much better for me.

Topsy Turvy

Today was an emotional day. I started out having zero motivation, but I managed to clean my living room. Then I rested some more and my depressive symptoms worsened. I felt empty, alone, I ached inside, I felt miserable. But I had to go to the bank so I drove 20 minutes to the bank, and 20 minutes home. Second accomplishment of the day. My misery continued through out the day. I did everything I could to battle it. I called friends and talked about how I was feeling. I distracted myself from the emotional pain by putting laundry away. I ate my dinner slowly, paying attention to the taste and texture of the food I was eating. I did everything I could to distract from the depression. It must have worked because I am feeling better now. Still suffering from some mild symptoms but I'll take the improvement. It's a nice break. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day than today was.