Anxiety

We went to Toys R Us today with the kids. My husband wanted to get them something each because they have been behaving so well lately. I did not want to go, I knew it would be crowded this time of year. However, I don't like to avoid my problems. We went despite my concerns. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had Clonapen to take. But my psychiatrist (who is awesome!) told me to take extra at night if I needed it to help me sleep. So I ran out two weeks early. I thought I could tough it out until I saw her Friday to get a refill. We came home from Toys R Us and It took several hours for my anxiety to lessen.
I took dinner to a good friend tonight because she has been feeling a little ill lately. She just happened to ask me if I had enough Clonapen. I replied, "No I ran out."
"And why did you run out?!" she asked
"Because my psychiatrist told me to take extra if I needed it, and my insurance company won't pay for a refill until December."
"And what are you going to do about it?"
"I am going to call my doctor's office tomorrow and see if she can rewrite the prescription for the larger amount I have been taking."
"And then you are going to call me and tell me you have it filled."
"Ok. I promise."
So driving home I just thought to call my doctor's office. They were able to squeeze me in for tonight and I got the new prescription filled and I just took it. I am finally calming down, the anxiety from Toys R Us lingered all day.

What is my anxiety like? Fear. Fear of being hurt again. Fear for my children's safety. The lady behind us in line was awfully close to us. In reality probably not, but I felt as if she were standing right behind me. I wanted to ask her to back up, but I didn't want to sound rude. I was so anxious I did not know what would come out of my mouth. So I just kept it shut. The last thing I want to do is act like some paranoid whack job. Even though most of the time I am a paranoid whack job. I'm scared to leave my house, at night I am scared in my house. I live in constant fear. I hate it. I am tired of it. I want to feel peace. I want to be better. It is very discouraging for me to have the same issue every time I leave my house. I want to take my kids to the park again. I want to take them for walks. I want so much to do normal things without having an underlying fear.