Friday

FRiDAY!! My husband is off this weekend, so that means I get him all to myself. I always feel safer when my husband is home. He's a big guy, former Special Forces Marine Corps. He can handle anything. I always feel safe when he is around. I am counting down until I see my therapist on Wednesday. I really want to work on my paranoia and anxiety. I was able to go grocery shopping today, and at a new grocery store I had never been to before!! Then I came home put groceries away, gave my kids a snack, and put my youngest down for a nap. My kids are amazing. It's been a rough year and a half on them, with me in and out of the hospital every few months. In the beginning I was hospitalized every 6 weeks or so. It was very difficult on them. But my kids are resilient, and we got them into see a family therapist to help them cope with Mommy being gone. We learned a lot of good strategies to help them with the constant unpredictability. My kids are my motivation to get better, when my depression is so bad I don't have that motivation for myself. They have saved my life countless times, and they always are aware of when Mommy is having a hard time. I get extra hugs, kisses, and I love you's from them. They are my joy.
Sometimes though they are my trigger. I have to feel in control of an environment to feel at ease. And as anyone with small children knows, there is no way to control them. You can't tell them sit still and be quiet. They just aren't built to be quiet. They are inquisitive, excited, balls of energy. This evening was very hard for me. I really needed some quiet. Luckily I have a great husband who took some of his time to play quiet games with the kids, and read them a story so that I could relax a little. He even offered to let me go lie down. Since sleeping is so difficult for me I declined, but it meant so much that he offered.Having a supportive understanding family helps me so much. Sometimes it gets to be too much for my husband, and he tells me he needs a timeout. That's when I know to leave him alone for an hour or so, let him process everything, and then he can come back and give me the support I need.
I love my family so much, without them I would be in a far worse condition than I am now.