Mnt Dew, a world of difference

Caffeine is one of the best antidepressants. Normally I keep a stock of Mnt Dew in the house, but this week I was slacking and didn't buy any. Well when my Mom found out, as mothers tend to do, she told me I needed it and to go get some. SO I did. Man I had a great day! I sipped at Mnt Dew all day and I had energy, motivation, I was even singing songs. Amazing what a little caffeine can do. It

So the Mnt Dew wore off, and I fell asleep typing this last night. So continuing on my Mtn Dew endorsement. It ROCKS! I felt so good yesterday. It was a nice change from the last few days. I had energy, I was cheerful, I was singing songs. I did all the other things that help too. Like turning on all the lights in my house and opening the blinds. I lit candles and played Christmas music. IT was a combination of following my routine and adding caffeine to it. It was so nice to have a great day. I am confidant today will continue to be a good day.

A really rough day

Today I had a break down. I was having serious thoughts of suicide. I had a plan. So I called my awesome sister and we talked for about 10 minutes and she helped me through it. It's scary that normal setbacks cause me to become suicidal. It's like flipping a switch. My last hospitalization the doctor told me I am always going to struggle with having suicidal thoughts. It's just something I am going to need therapy for to learn how to cope. Well today I coped awesome! I did not need to go to the ER. I called my sister, and talked out what was bothering me until I felt better. I think if I had just toughed it out, bottled up those feelings, they would have resurfaced stronger later. I have learned it it important to talk with a close friend when I am feeling down because bottling it up, not talking about, only pushes it away for a little while. It will come back, stronger, and harder to cope with. Today I am grateful for a great support system, for my family, for another day to be with my kids. I am grateful for the strength I am blessed with to battle my illness. For so many this is a debilitating illness. I am blessed with the strength and ability to continue functioning. I may not like where I am, but it could be a heck of a lot worse. So I am very grateful for where I am, even though it sucks sometimes.

Time flies by

I didn't realize it's been nearly a week since I posted last. I have been struggling lately, having bad days. I have been working so hard on using my skills to get through the bad days I forgot about my blog. Sorry about that. So the last week my mood has been steadily declining. It is hardest at night. I think I am having a hard time because it is so cold outside I can't get out in the sun, and it is getting dark so early now. I am using all of my skills though to get through this hard time. I am lighting candles to help me relax, putting on my favorite lotion, taking relaxing baths, reading, talking to friends and family. I'm starting to have thoughts of suicide again. I just tell myself, "Suicide is not an option." over and over again. Then I tell myself reasons to live, that this shall pass, and I will feel better soon.

I had a very bad flashback Saturday night. After four hours of struggling to get through it, I went to the ER. I was at the ER for about 6 hours. They didn't really do anything to help me. The flashback finally passed in time, I fell asleep, and was good to go. My anxiety was still high so they gave me a dose of Trazodone before I left. Ever since Saturday my PTSD has been causing a lot of symptoms. It's hard to let my kids sit near me. I really want my space. My anxiety is higher, and I am more hyper vigilant. I am so tired of these symptoms. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of fighting so hard only to have another setback. Three steps forward and two steps back seems to be my pace. I would rather stay at three steps forward. I'll take the single step forward in the end though. I am coping very well with my symptoms. Even though it is hard. Even though there are times I think it would be so much easier to be dead and not have to fight to feel better. I am coping. I am not in the hospital. And my symptoms are not increasing at a rapid pace. Hopefully I can keep them at this level until things start to improve. Sticking to a routine I have found helps a lot. I wake up in the morning, shower, fix breakfast for my kids, set a goal for the day, and then at some point I accomplish that goal. It helps a lot when I stick to my routine.

Testing Today

Today I took the Work Keys test. I did very well on it scoring a 6 on the math and 5's on the reading comprehension sections. I can now start my EMT training. The minimum score I needed was a 3 on all three sections. So I did great! After testing I picked my kids up from the friend who was watching them for me, and headed home. I took a nap this afternoon and that was about it for my day. I didn't do much today. My depression is starting to creep back into my week. I am having bad days more often, and this afternoon I did not feel well. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of digging myself out of this hole, and then falling back into it when the medication stops working as well. Tomorrow will be a better day though. I have errands to run, and things to do to keep me busy all day. Saturday we are going to visit my parents for the day, so tomorrow I need to clean my house, do laundry, go grocery shopping, and write a letter to my little sister who is serving a mission for our church in Omaha, Nebraska. Keeping busy will be a good healthy distraction from feeling down. Hopefully I will have the energy I need to get everything done. If not, well that's why they make Mountain Dew.

Happy Wednesday

So today was my last day of Work Keys class. Tomorrow is the test! I am a little nervous because I am competitive and want to score the highest. At the same time I am calm because I know I will score high enough to qualify for the EMT program. I saw my psychiatrist today. And she agreed with me that I am doing well enough to not need to be seen every two weeks. So now I am at a month. Once a month is awesome! I have come so far from where I was in 2009. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father who has watched over me, and carried me when I was too weak to walk alone.
I am very pleased with how well I am doing. I feel so much better. Better than I have felt in the last 19 months. I feel as if I am on a new path in life. It is a great feeling. I may still have bad days, but I am equipped to handle them. I just have to remember my coping skills. Life is very good today.

A few rough days

I just finished my emotion chart for yesterday and today. It is a chart that allows me to rank how I feel, ie:Good/Happy, Anxious/Tense, Miserable, Angry/Irritable, Depressed, Hopeful, Empty/Alone, Disconnected/Unreal, and Physically Bad. It then has me chart any urges to cope in a negative way, ie:cutting, taking extra meds, smoking, drinking, doing street drugs. Those are the ones on the form, not my specific urges. Then it lists all the different tools I learned through Dialect Behavioral Therapy and how I used the skills,Ie: thought about using, but didn't, thought about using helped, didn't think about using/used/helped. Yesterday I had a rough day, and today is not so good either. I feel depressed, miserable, emotional pain, and physical pain. I have used a lot, almost all 16 tools, to keep myself from getting worse. I cleaned my kitchen. Called my friends and chatted. Cooked dinner. And right now I have bread dough rising to bake some bread tonight. So even though I am having a rough day, I am doing well. I am not getting worse, I am coping, and I am overcoming my depression. I may always feel a little depressed. Sometimes it gets that bad; I stay in my pajamas all day, and sit on the couch with my eyes half shut. But I have learned getting into a routine helps. I take a nice hot shower before bed, then put on my favorite most comfortable pajamas, and when I wake up I get my kids dressed and I fix them breakfast. Then I pop open a can of Mountain Dew, and get some caffeine in my system to help me stay motivated. This morning I forgot my Mountain Dew. I could tell a big difference not having one until this afternoon. I am really grateful to the staff at Sharp Mesa Vista hospital in San Diego that helped me learn the DBT tools and skills so that I can learn to live with my disease, instead of letting my disease run my life.

Weekend Accomplishments

Well I had a great weekend. I took my kids to the park for the first time in two months. I attended my church's Christmas Party, and I attended my husband's National Guard Company's Family Day. Saturday night after the Christmas party I felt overwhelmed. It was a lot, but I had a good time. I was very tired afterwards though, it took a lot of energy to be there. It took a lot of coping skills to deal with being around so many people. Family Day today was a bit easier. I think is was easier because my husband was there. He is such a big, strong man. I always feel safer when he is around. Looking back at my weekend I am very pleased with myself. Getting out of my house so much is huge. And I felt safer in my house than I have lately. My anxiety was pretty low all weekend. I coped well when my anxiety started to get high, and I managed to do a lot. It was a good weekend. Full of progress. I feel as if I have crossed a bridge into a new, healthier place. It feels good to be able to gain control over my emotions.

We went to the Park!!!

I am so happy after taking my kids to the park today. It was the perfect trip. We took snowflake, our dog, with us. The kids had a blast running and climbing all over the playground. I had fun watching them. Instead of sitting there thinking about all the bad things that could happen. I sat there telling myself I was in control. I can keep my kids safe. I don't have to be afraid. Instead of looking through my gray glasses, I looked at the playground as if it were illuminated. I was able to stay relaxed the entire time and really enjoyed being with my kids. I am so happy right now I want to dance around. I think we can start going back to the park on a regular basis now. One more thing to mark off my list as conquered and accomplished!!

New Goals

So for the last two months I have been working with Vocational Rehabilitation to get job training so I can find a job. At first I picked CNA training, then today I found out starting pay for a CNA is around $7 or $8 an hour in SC. No thank you. I can make that working at Walmart. Luckily I had an appointment today with the Career Counselor. She is the one person who oversees assessment testing before approving any tuition assistance for schools or training. I had already met with her once, and it just happened that today I had another meeting with her for some additional testing. After the testing we talked about my options. I told her my reluctance to continue with my plan to become a CNA. She agreed with my reasons and asked me what my career goals are. I told her, "To become an EMT/Paramedic." She asked me, "Why don't you do that then?", and I replied, "WIll you still cover the tuition?" She said yes, and we talked at length about the challenges I would face with my illness as an EMT, but that we both felt I was strong enough to overcome those challenges. So now I am preparing for EMT school. It starts in January.

I am very excited and a little nervous at the same time. Realistically it is going to be a challenge to do this job, but I feel called to it. I've been a firefighter before. I have dealt with the death of a fire victim. I know I can handle this job. Maybe not today, but I have four months of class to prepare me for it. That's four months of continued growth along this journey of becoming better. I know I can do this. I feel like this gives me an extra challenge everyday to cope well, and continue using the tools I have learned along the way to cope with unpleasant experiences and painful emotions.

The Past Two Days

Well life has been crazy for me this week. Yesterday was a rough day. A normal rough day that anyone could have. A symptom free rough day. It was actually a little refreshing to be stressed about normal stuff and not PTSD or Schizoaffective Disorder symptoms. I did not sleep well last night which always makes for a rough day. But I had an okay day and afternoon. My wonderful Mom came up to watch the kids for me while I went to class. Then we went to the grocery store. a busy grocery store, with both kids. And both kids whined and cried pretty much the whole time we were in the store. I was fine though. I was very happy with how well I was handling everything.
This evening was a little harder. I came home, put groceries away, and cleaned a little bit. Then I had a flashback. Basically a memory of the traumatic event that induces fear. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about what happened to me, but it doesn't always produce fear. But I was triggered, and had a flashback. That sent my anxiety up; it stayed up most of the evening. I took Klonopin, but that hasn't helped much. I think a nice cup of honey chamomile tea should help me relax. I think I'll meditate a little too. Clearing my mind and just relaxing always helps some. Again it sure is reassuring to have a dog in the house. I love my Snowflake. She helps me feel safe.

My New Dog

I had been thinking about getting a dog. My husband and kids have slowly been trying to convince Mommy to get a dog. So we finally got a dog. She is a 8 1/2 month old mutt puppy. She is medium sized, but has a big bark. I feel a lot safer at night having her here. She has taken to our family very quickly. She has gotten used to the kids, and has mastered the "Please feed me table scraps" look. She doesn't act like a puppy. She is very mellow and quiet. She is the perfect dog for us, and I feel so much better having a dog to help protect our home.
Today I had class for the Vocational Rehabilitation Department. They are helping me get job training as a CNA. Before I can start my CNA training I have to take the Work Keys test. It is a test used in 40 states to determine your math skills and reading comprehension abilities. So for two weeks I have class Mon-Thur. The final Thursday I take the test. So today I had to go sit in a classroom full of people I don't know for 4 hours! And I handled it just fine! I was nervous when I first found out about it, that I would have a difficult time. I had a panic attack when I first got the information. Just the thought of a new environment scared me, but I was ok today.
After coming home I rested some while my son napped, and then I took my kids shopping. Another success! Shopping is always difficult with my kids. And if it is a store with small shopping carts it is extra difficult because then I can't put my daughter in the cart. So while she played in the clothes racks I shopped. I kept reminding her to stay close, I had to threaten her with timeout when we got home, but she stayed close and I was ok. Again huge steps towards being able to do normal things again. My next goal is taking them to the park. For some reason that is very difficult for me, and I have no desire to take them to the park. Ever. But wanting to avoid my kids in 20 years telling a therapist how awful it was growing up because Mom was such a control freak and couldn't handle leaving the house even to go play at the park. I know I need to take them. So one day soon I'll have the courage, and take my Klonopin and we will go to the park. That's my goal for the next two weeks. One afternoon in the next two weeks I will take them to the park again.

Sunday

I made it to church today. I managed to stay for 30 minutes of the service. Same as last week. It is still a huge accomplishment though because I woke up not wanting to go. I knew I needed to go though, if I stay away I'll never get to where I can stay for the whole block of meetings. So I got dressed, got my kids ready, and went. All without having high anxiety or a panic attack. Once we were there I was able to keep my kids quiet with the few books, crayons, and bendaroos I took in my bag. As more people started to enter the chapel my anxiety got higher, and by the time the sacrament was blessed and passed to the congregation I was ready to go home. So we left, but I was very proud of myself for how I handled it all.
I can tell a huge difference in my mood since having my meds adjusted and giving them the time to kick in fully. My symptoms of depression are still there, but not nearly as bad. I have to tools to cope with bad days and hard times. My anxiety and paranoia are the two symptoms I really need help with still. I am working on those, and they are starting to get better. As I work on the PTSD those will get better. They may not ever go away, but they will get better. I am very grateful to live in a time where the medications are available to help me, for a good therapist, and most importantly for an amazing Psychiatrist who takes the time to get to know me, my symptoms, and how to best help me.

A Good Day

Today was a really good day. I remembered to take my Klonopin which is my anti anxiety medication this morning and this afternoon. With that in my system all day I was nice and relaxed. I was not fearful at all. I even did a thorough shopping trip today with both kids. It was grocery shopping, no way was I about to face the crowds on black Friday. I never did enjoy shopping in a crowded store. The only down side to all my medication is the personality change. Maybe it's not the meds, but just my experiences over the last year and a half. I'm not the happy go lucky person I once was. I don't crack jokes as often, I don't get excited very easily. I miss my old self. The old me before I got sick. The torment of frightening hallucinations has affected me. Life doesn't hold the joy it once did. Maybe I can get that back. I want to get that back. Something for me to think about, how to get that joy, energy, and happiness back.

Happy Thanksgiving

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family. It was a nice holiday to sit back and think about all the things I am grateful for. I found it relaxing and enjoyable. My anxiety was fairly low all day. It started to rise as the sun went down, but after taking my medications I am doing much better. I feel as if things are improving for me. I just need to remember to be patient.

Therapy Wednesday

I saw my therapist today. She is awesome! Basically we talked about stuff, and then more stuff, and then some other stuff. Okay so I am not going into specifics about what I talk to my therapist about. However, she did help me realize I need to be patient with myself and recognize the accomplishments I am making. So my list of accomplishments: I can go to the store without needing to take extra Klonopin, I can let my kids sit in my lap, I can recognize when I am having a hard time at night and cope accordingly by sleeping on the couch with the lights on, I can recognize when I need me time, communicate that need to my husband, and then distract myself with some healthy coping skills without the distraction of my kids. I am also showering everyday, doing my hair and make up, paying attention to the clothes I wear, and not just throwing something clean on. I am keeping my house clean, I am cooking dinner every night, I am blogging regularly again, I exercised this week, I coped well with a flashback, and I went all day today without a nap even though my kids woke me up at 4am eating ice cream.
So thinking of all those accomplishments makes me feel very good, and not so down on myself. I realize I am making great strides, and am slowly but surely getting better.

Flashbacks

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don't want to talk about why I have PTSD, but I will say that I have it. I had a very severe flashback yesterday that lasted for several hours. It stunk. That's why I am posting this morning about it, posting last night would have been too much for me. So what is a flashback like? PTSD is in the news a lot because of combat veterans coming home with it. A flashback is not just a memory, it is reliving the event. I have had flashbacks so intense I could see the surroundings around me back to the traumatic experience. I had to run away. Luckily I was in a hospital at the time, and was immediately able to get the help I needed to get through the flashback. My flashback last night was less intense, but still very, very unpleasant. It lasted for about two hours. When it finally passed I was too scared to turn the lights off and go to bed, so I slept on my couch with all the lights on. This morning I am tired, but better. Thank goodness. I see my therapist this afternoon so I will be able to talk to her about it.

Kids are tornadoes

My two sweet little children were tornadoes today. They were into everything, whining about everything, and making HUGE messes where ever they went. It wouldn't have been such a bad day if I had been in a better mood. I spent all day practicing my self control and not screaming at my children. When it came time for me to go workout my anxiety was so high I just couldn't leave my house. It was dark outside already and I just couldn't leave. I was too scared. So now that my little ones are asleep I am enjoying some quiet time. My husband made the connection that it is a full moon, perhaps that was affecting everyone's mood today. I'm not sure what was up with my kids, but they were just too much today. I just wanted to sit down and cry a few times because of how overwhelmed I felt. I did get them to sit still few about 10 minutes while we played candy land. Jenifer did not want to share her game, so she pulled out chutes and ladders and played by herself. She was very proud and excited when she won. It's the cute moments that help me get through the hard times. I love my kids, they help me so much, but today it would have been nice if they had behaved a little better. Oh well I managed. I got through the day without yelling at anyone and without crying. Now I am going to clean my house so I can wake up to a fresh start in the morning.

Exercise, the cure all

So I finally went and worked out today. For the past 6 months I have been telling myself I need to exercise. That exercise will help me feel so much better. Well I ran for 30 minutes today, and I feel AWESOME! No paranoia, no fear, maybe a little caution. I'll take caution though over the extreme fear I was feeling. Today was an ok day. I made it to church for the first half hour. Then I had to leave. A half hour is much better than not going though!! I came home, made lunch for the kids and myself, I put my son down for a nap, turned on my daughter's computer games, and I took a nap. A nice long 2 hour nap on the couch. I love Sunday afternoon naps. Then I woke up cleaned a little, cooked dinner, and went to work out. I am so glad I went to work out. The joy I feel because the paranoia is gone is indescribable. A huge weight is gone from around my neck. I feel peace. Wonderful peace. It's been a good day.

My apologies

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I spent the day down at my parent's house. I'll post again this evening and give everyone an update about my day.

Friday

FRiDAY!! My husband is off this weekend, so that means I get him all to myself. I always feel safer when my husband is home. He's a big guy, former Special Forces Marine Corps. He can handle anything. I always feel safe when he is around. I am counting down until I see my therapist on Wednesday. I really want to work on my paranoia and anxiety. I was able to go grocery shopping today, and at a new grocery store I had never been to before!! Then I came home put groceries away, gave my kids a snack, and put my youngest down for a nap. My kids are amazing. It's been a rough year and a half on them, with me in and out of the hospital every few months. In the beginning I was hospitalized every 6 weeks or so. It was very difficult on them. But my kids are resilient, and we got them into see a family therapist to help them cope with Mommy being gone. We learned a lot of good strategies to help them with the constant unpredictability. My kids are my motivation to get better, when my depression is so bad I don't have that motivation for myself. They have saved my life countless times, and they always are aware of when Mommy is having a hard time. I get extra hugs, kisses, and I love you's from them. They are my joy.
Sometimes though they are my trigger. I have to feel in control of an environment to feel at ease. And as anyone with small children knows, there is no way to control them. You can't tell them sit still and be quiet. They just aren't built to be quiet. They are inquisitive, excited, balls of energy. This evening was very hard for me. I really needed some quiet. Luckily I have a great husband who took some of his time to play quiet games with the kids, and read them a story so that I could relax a little. He even offered to let me go lie down. Since sleeping is so difficult for me I declined, but it meant so much that he offered.Having a supportive understanding family helps me so much. Sometimes it gets to be too much for my husband, and he tells me he needs a timeout. That's when I know to leave him alone for an hour or so, let him process everything, and then he can come back and give me the support I need.
I love my family so much, without them I would be in a far worse condition than I am now.

Anxiety Day 2

Another rough day. I only left my house to do a load of laundry at the laundry facility my apartment complex has. On my way out I saw a glimpse of a demon. It may have just been a shadow, at least that is what I am telling myself so that my anxiety does not worsen. My house is all locked up for the night, but I am scared still. Right now I am scared of the demons, seeing something that isn't there. Hearing something that isn't there. It's terrifying. I want to be able to relax in my own home, instead I am tense, anxious, and scared. It stinks. The demons are terrifying. I have had hallucinations of them killing my children. They tell me I am worthless, miserable, that I should kill myself. I'll argue with them, tell them I am a good Mom, but they argue back and bring up all my faults. It is very, very difficult when I am hallucinating. You can see why I am terrified of them. I am working with my therapist to help me learn to cope. It's difficult, but I am confident I can overcome this.

Anxiety

We went to Toys R Us today with the kids. My husband wanted to get them something each because they have been behaving so well lately. I did not want to go, I knew it would be crowded this time of year. However, I don't like to avoid my problems. We went despite my concerns. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had Clonapen to take. But my psychiatrist (who is awesome!) told me to take extra at night if I needed it to help me sleep. So I ran out two weeks early. I thought I could tough it out until I saw her Friday to get a refill. We came home from Toys R Us and It took several hours for my anxiety to lessen.
I took dinner to a good friend tonight because she has been feeling a little ill lately. She just happened to ask me if I had enough Clonapen. I replied, "No I ran out."
"And why did you run out?!" she asked
"Because my psychiatrist told me to take extra if I needed it, and my insurance company won't pay for a refill until December."
"And what are you going to do about it?"
"I am going to call my doctor's office tomorrow and see if she can rewrite the prescription for the larger amount I have been taking."
"And then you are going to call me and tell me you have it filled."
"Ok. I promise."
So driving home I just thought to call my doctor's office. They were able to squeeze me in for tonight and I got the new prescription filled and I just took it. I am finally calming down, the anxiety from Toys R Us lingered all day.

What is my anxiety like? Fear. Fear of being hurt again. Fear for my children's safety. The lady behind us in line was awfully close to us. In reality probably not, but I felt as if she were standing right behind me. I wanted to ask her to back up, but I didn't want to sound rude. I was so anxious I did not know what would come out of my mouth. So I just kept it shut. The last thing I want to do is act like some paranoid whack job. Even though most of the time I am a paranoid whack job. I'm scared to leave my house, at night I am scared in my house. I live in constant fear. I hate it. I am tired of it. I want to feel peace. I want to be better. It is very discouraging for me to have the same issue every time I leave my house. I want to take my kids to the park again. I want to take them for walks. I want so much to do normal things without having an underlying fear.

My story (repeat)

A year ago I started seeing a Psychiatrist for depression and paranoia stemming from having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not going to get into details about what happened to cause me to suffer from PTSD. During the summer months I started to have Manic episodes and I was diagnosed as having Bipolar DIsorder. My life started to unravel. In June I had to be hospitalized for 10 days because of suicidal ideations (basically having thoughts about killing myself). After my first hospitalization the paranoia worsened, I started to suffer from Panic Attacks as well. A few weeks later towards the end of July I was hospitalized again. After my second hospitalization I was able to get into an Intensive Outpatient Program. I went to the Mental Hospital everyday for treatment. This helped a lot, but the thing about mental illness is if you aren't on the right medications or you stop taking them, eventually you will crash again.
I was hospitalized again, and again, and a few more times. All in all 8 hospitalizations. And in that time frame I never once missed an appointment or a dose of medication. I exercised, I avoided isolating myself. I did everything I could to control my illness. After my third hospitalization I started having hallucinations as well. I saw demons and heard voices. It took several months, but my diagnosis changed from Bipolar to Schizoaffective Disorder. The National Alliance on Mental Illness defines Schizoaffective Disorder this way, "Schizoaffective disorder is one of the more common, chronic, and disabling mental illnesses. As the name implies, it is characterized by a combination of symptoms of schizophrenia and an affective (mood) disorder" Basically it's Schizophrenia with Bipolar symptoms. Fun for me, right?
You all know me, I'm a hard working individual. I was knocked down by this. I have been blessed with tremendous strength, but every day is a struggle. And I have found that a lot of people, don't understand mental illnesses. There is no snapping out of it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work. There's no magic cure. It's a difficult, and for me a long path, finding the right combination of drugs to manage the symptoms. Today was the first day In about a year that I was able to run errands with both my kids (ages 4 and 2), without my husband coming with me, and the entire time I was able to stay in control of my emotions. I had a panic attack, but I remained in control. Looking back at my day and that accomplishment I want to jump up and down and sing!
I'm not crazy, I'm not sick, my brain chemistry is unbalanced. With the right medications I am slowly balancing back out. For a whole year I've tried to be 'normal' and my greatest success was today, having a panic attack at the store, with two screaming, hot, tired toddlers, and not breaking down and calling my husband in tears. You all know me, imagine someone suffering from this that isn't as strong as I am. (I'm not in any way trying to brag about myself. I'm not sure how to word this so I don't sound arrogant. But know I'm not tooting my own horn here.) Can you see how this is a disabling illness for so many. I have been such a flake the last year. To those who I made plans with for while you were in the San Diego area, and I never followed through I'm sorry. I tried I promise, but it's been hard. So hard that some days my greatest success was getting out of bed.
So why am I telling my story? To help people gain some understanding. To break up stereotypes, and ignorant judgements. The next time you hear about someone suffering from a mental illness, remember they didn't choose it. Remember you can't snap out of it. Remember me wether you remember me as an awkward teenager that ran track and cross country, a newly wed young adult, or more recently as a mom. Remember me, my strength, integrity, humor, and zest for life. Remember that I said it kicked my can. And then try to feel a little empathy for whomever you heard about having a mental illness. Try not to judge. Again, no one chooses to have a mental illness. It just happens and it is a struggle every day. And if you hear anyone making a derogatory comment about anyone who has a mental illness feel free to share my story if it might help them understand a little better.

A good day

Today was a good day. I woke up, made breakfast, cleaned my kitchen, showered, put on makeup, cleaned my house. Then my Mom came and she helped me take out my HUGE box of trash from organizing last Friday. We then headed to Walmart to buy a rug. I needed a rug to put under my kids table so they can do crafts without me having to worry about permanent stains to the floor. When we got home I had a few minutes before heading to an appointment with the Vocational Rehabilitation Department. The interview went well, and I have a much better understanding of how they can help me, and the process involved. I got home from that, and then we were all off to my favorite store, the Dollar Tree. I let the kids pick out a few toys, I got a few things I needed, and we headed home. My Mom left, I finished dinner, we ate dinner, and I started writing my book. I have wanted to write a book about my experiences for a while. I have been told I am a gifted writer, so I took that leap and started writing my book tonight. I hope to write a little each day, and hopefully get it published so that I can further educate people about what living with a mental illness is like. And how it is not something that you can snap out of or get over. I'm not lazy, and I am not crazy. I have a mental illness, and I have to learn to live with it everyday. One thing I ask, if you read my blog, recommend it to a friend. Email your friends and say "I'm doing my friend a favor. She wants as many people as possible to better understand mental illness. Go check this out." I would really appreciate it. I would love to see 600 hits to my blog in the next two weeks. So get to inviting please.

Blah

Today was a blah day. I did not sleep well last night. I had a lot of nightmares. I had a great week last week, I had energy everyday, I got my house nice and clean, I slept better, it was an awesome week. Today however has not been a great day. My sweet hubby sent me back to bed when he woke up and saw how tired I was. I haven't cleaned anything all day, and with two small children if you aren't cleaning your house mess just piles up around you. I'm very irritable, and nothing is helping me feel better. My paranoia is still high. I am hoping I will be alright tonight once it is dark out. The sun is setting now, and it's cloudy so it is extra gloomy for 4:45 in the afternoon. Gloomy is no fun. I need a bright sunny day. I need to get out of the house and spend some time in the sun!
I'm just telling myself tomorrow will be better. I'll take my anxiety medication tonight with my meds, and get a good nights sleep. I'll hit tomorrow hard to make up for a bad day today. Everyone has bad days. I'm allowed to have bad days. It doesn't mean I am sliding down again. It just means I had a bad day. Tomorrow will be much better.

Hyper vigilance

Every where I go where there are other people, I am on guard. Going to the store, going to the park, going to church. I am constantly worried that something is going to happen to me or my children. Going out into public is very difficult, and if I am not careful, will spark a panic attack. I have learned how to recognize when I am about to have a panic attack, and I am normally able to avoid them. It still is not fun, though, to have to leave the store early, leave church 15 minutes after I arrive, or not take my children to the park because I am scared of the unknown. I am scared though, and I can't make it go away. Last night I almost had a panic attack just thinking about going to church, but I told myself, "Maybe it will be hard, and maybe it won't be." So the fact that I went to church today with my kids was huge. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I'm tired of watching everyone around me, trying to see if anyone is acting suspiciously. It's is very tiring. I hope with therapy I can learn to relax a little in public. That would help a lot; it would be really nice to know how to cope.

Friday

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow!! I can't wait to get my meds adjusted so that I stop having these hallucinations. They were gone this morning and started again this afternoon. It's so hard at night. The darkness makes it worse somehow. I am not looking forward to daylight savings time ending this weekend. An extra hour of darkness outside is not what I need. I am just praying my psychiatrist will adjust my meds, instead of telling me I am coping well. That's what the idiot doctor at the hospital told me when I told her I had a hallucination after she lowered the dosage of my antipsychotic. Grrr why are some doctors so certain they are right, when you tell them they aren't?

Another day of sanity

Well today started out well, but this afternoon I started hearing voices, and this evening I started seeing the three stooges again. I don't want to get into specifics about what I see and hear. Giving it attention only makes the symptoms worse. So what have a done to cope. Mindfulness. I have posted about it before. I have paid so much attention to how the carpet under my feet feels, the sounds of my kids playing in their room, the smell of dinner cooking. I painted some ceramic christmas ornaments. That was a very good distraction. Well this is short and sweet. I'm off to distract from these darn hallucinations.

The Three Stooges

I started hallucinating again today. I'm not hearing voices, which is good. I am hearing sounds though, like bumps in the night. I am also seeing three demons. I call them the three stooges. It takes the edge off of it. It's hardest at night. The darkness is not my friend. It would be nice to be able to relax in a bubble bath, but they are watching me which makes it hard. My anxiety is extremely high right now because of the hallucinations. I try not to be scared of what I see. I remind myself it is not real, but they are real. They look real. I just pray I don't start hearing their voices, because they always say such awful scary things. I am so upset right now at the doctor from my recent inpatient hospitalization that screwed with my Respiridol dosage. That is my antipsychotic. I know her intentions were good; she was hoping being on less would help me have more energy and motivation during the day. But I have been having hallucinations on and off since then. I can't wait to go see my Psychiatrist on Saturday and get the dosage back to what it should be.

I am coping well though. Today I conquered a store. The last time I was there I had a panic attack. My mom was up visiting and needed to go to this store for just a minute. I intended to wait in the car with my kids. I was scared to go inside. When we got there however, there was no one else there. No other customers. So I went inside and conquered my fear!! It was a good moment when I left without having a panic attack. I also ran a few errands today, and cleaned my house. I had a good day all in all, aside from the hallucinations starting again. I just have to not focus on them, which is hard. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. It makes it hard to sleep when my anxiety is so high.

A little Mountain Dew goes a long way

Today was an okay day. I got a good nights sleep last night, and that helped me this morning. I lacked motivation, but I set my goals to clean my kids' room and their toy room. I had a panic attack on my way to the store today to buy some Mountain Dew. I'm still so scared to leave my house, and for some reason today it was too much. I had to turn around to take a Klonopin. I made it to the store, made it through the store, and home. Then I popped a Mountain Dew and found my motivation for the day. I accomplished my goals of cleaning the kids' room and the toy room! It feels really good to set a goal in the morning and accomplishing it before I go to bed. Setting small accomplishable goals makes for a great feeling when I accomplish that goal. A sense of accomplishment means a lot. It goes along with getting better. Everyday I am able to set slightly bigger goals, and looking back it feels great to be able to have gotten so much done just by starting out one day with a goal to get up and showered in the morning. I used to set weekly goals, but I have found setting a daily goal works so much better for me.

Topsy Turvy

Today was an emotional day. I started out having zero motivation, but I managed to clean my living room. Then I rested some more and my depressive symptoms worsened. I felt empty, alone, I ached inside, I felt miserable. But I had to go to the bank so I drove 20 minutes to the bank, and 20 minutes home. Second accomplishment of the day. My misery continued through out the day. I did everything I could to battle it. I called friends and talked about how I was feeling. I distracted myself from the emotional pain by putting laundry away. I ate my dinner slowly, paying attention to the taste and texture of the food I was eating. I did everything I could to distract from the depression. It must have worked because I am feeling better now. Still suffering from some mild symptoms but I'll take the improvement. It's a nice break. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day than today was.

Saturday morning update

Yesterday was a fantastic day! So good I forgot to blog about it. Today however I have very little motivation to do anything. It would be nice to just sit on the couch all day. But I have to clean my house so I am hoping some Mountain Dew will perk me up and help me get motivated. I'll call some friends this morning too. That always helps a little. Sorry this is so short, but I gotta get moving or I will end up on the couch all day and I have a lot I need to do.

Pulling myself out of a bad day

Today was rough. Really rough. I stayed in my pajamas all day and hung out on the couch. The biggest accomplishment of the day was getting my kids dressed and keeping them fed. It took all my energy to do that. But I did it. I have to recognize the small accomplishments or my day will turn into a pity party. I ordered a pizza for dinner because I had no energy or desire to cook. After dinner my husband had the great idea that we should both clean a room. So I cleaned the kitchen and he cleaned the living room. Having a cleaner house helped my mood improve a little. So then I called my awesome sister Beth and chatted with her a bit, that helped a little too. Then came the busiest part of my day, bedtime. Staying busy for an hour while I got my kids dressed for bed, teeth brushed, and put to bed helped A LOT! After I put them to bed I made a few phone calls, and then I showered. After taking a shower I sat down with my Dialectic Behavioral Therapy journal card and tracked my day.

Dialect Behavioral Therapy works to teach individuals how to regulate their emotions and cope with dangerous impulses and urges. Around 5:00pm was my mind started to consider suicide again. It was very scary because suicide is not an option, and it is frightening when your mind starts to think about it. So I wrote down that as my impulse for the day, and I went down the card checking off all the tools I used to distract and cope with that impulse. When I realized how many I used and that they had worked I felt AWESOME! I am very proud of myself for coping through a stressful day and turning my mood around. So right now I feel at peace. Which feels GREAT! I haven't felt at peace for a while. So I am enjoying this place right now, and I am going to stay up a little bit and just enjoy this feeling.

Update

It's been several months since I last updated my blog. Recently I was hospitalized again for having suicidal ideations. For the past two weeks I have been in an outpatient treatment program at the same hospital. It has been a good refresher about things I can do to help my mood. I have been fairly depressed the last few months. Most days I struggle to do the basics: cleaning, getting dressed, taking a shower, getting my kids dressed, cooking meals. It's very hard when everything feels as if I am walking through mud. Not to mention the emotional pain I feel. My heart aches, I don't know why it just does.

Today starts a new chapter though. I went out window shopping with my Mom at a craft store. I was reminded of a lot of the hobbies I enjoyed as a teenager, that I haven't done anything with in a long time. I intend to change that. I am going to experiment with various crafts until I find some I really enjoy. I also started baking again today. I used to love baking, and ever since I moved from California I haven't baked much at all. I have a very small kitchen, and it takes my whole kitchen to bake anything. Not much room for baking. But today I made apple pies. One for my family, and one for a friend. It always feels good to bake and share with a friend. My last obstacle to overcome is finding a way to exercise daily. I used to be an avid runner, and I haven't been running in nearly a year. Time to get that back too. I am reclaiming my identity. I lost it somewhere along the way, but I am going to find it again. I need to have a reason to live for me. Not just for my family, but for me too. Because at times I feel like a huge burden to my family, and I lose sight of how important it is for me to stay around for them. All I can think about is what I can't do for my family, and focusing on the negative is never good.

So that is my wellness plan. I am confident it will help a lot. I will do better about updating my blog so that my friends and family can stay better connected with how I am doing. I appreciate all of the many prayers for my health. I have felt them uplift me many times.

Today was an ok day. Nothing too exciting happened, I was able to clean my kitchen today and pick up a little after the kids. I also succeeded in turning the television off for a short amount of time today. Lately the depression has been so bad that the TV running all day has been babysitting my kids so that I can lay on the couch and do nothing. I have barely had the energy to take care of the essentials; like changing diapers, refilling cups of juice, cleaning up spills, feeding my kids, etc. I'd clean just enough dishes for what was needed, dinners were simple and easy. For someone like myself who LOVES to cook, you know it's bad when I pull out hamburger helper. But today I cooked honey pecan pork chops and sat down with my husband to eat. I have also succeeded in getting my kids back to a bedtime routine and a good bedtime. I made the mistake of trying to let them fall asleep to a movie one night. I didn't feel like singing the bedtime songs I always sing, so I thought a movie would make up for that. WRONG. My kids were up until 10pm and were quite angry when I did not put another movie in. The next night I tried the same thing with a different movie and got the same result. (Insanity has been defined as doing the same actions over and over expecting different results. I plead guilty) After two nights of being up till 10:00pm or later they were stuck on a late bedtime and I did not have the energy to fix it. Well this week I did. They are now back to a bedtime of 8:30.

These little things are actually huge steps as I slowly come out of this depressive episode. I am starting to feel good again. And I am having more energy to take care of my family, which brings me the most joy. I love taking care of my kids. I love the "Thank you Mommy"'s I get. I love the hugs and kisses, and the ever so cute Jen getting excited when I fix her a snack and saying "For ME?! Oh thank you Mommy!" In a surprised, excited voice. Being a Mom brings me the greatest joy. I am now climbing up. Having a little more energy for the things I enjoy the most, only leads to feeling better. And as I feel better I have more energy to do things that make me feel better. I'm climbing out of the depression and it feels good.

The funny side of sanity

My Mom asked me the other day if I have written any of my funny stories down from my stays in mental health hospitals. I haven't and I thought the best place is right here to share to humor. If there is one talent I have it is finding humor in situations, or creating my own humor if need be. One thing to mention about my fellow patients is that there is no better group of people. The most caring, compassionate, respectful, and open community I have ever been a part of is when I am inpatient. Mental health patients are also some of the most bored people ever, since we are so closely monitored for our safety. At times we would cure the boredom with jokes on the staff. While I know the staff did not appreciate our antics, plotting made the day go by faster and funnier. One day two other patients joined me in having a nervous twitch during community meeting. Kicking a leg out every so often until we noticed the staff noticed, then we changed to a jerk of the arm, to pulling at our eyebrow, to snapping our fingers.

One hospital I stayed in had a cafeteria that we were allowed to walk to for meals. Staff accompanied us, but we were given a little more freedom while we ate. There was a bell to ring incase you got to the counter and the cafeteria staff was in the kitchen instead of up front serving. One day the patient I was in line next to saw the bell and rang it. The server was almost offended that she rang the bell right in front of him. "Did you just ring my bell?"

"Yes." she replied

"Why?! Why would you ring my bell when I am right here?"

I then jumped in, "Did you just ask a mental health patient why they did something irrational?" I asked. He looked at me a little dumbfounded and then my fellow patient closed things up by saying, "Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

House Cleaning

The below link was sent to me by my Mom. It is a really good article about how to maintain a level of cleanliness in your home when you just don't feel like doing anything.

http://bipolar.about.com/od/copingtips/tp/dealing-with-depression-housecleaning.htm


I think everyone has blah days every once in a while, but imagine one after the other after the other after the other. Depression is a big battle for me. My recent move has caused a major depressive episode. I have very little energy, very little interest in what I normally do, my body aches, my appetite is not great, and my weight has been fluctuating. I feel as if I am walking through mud. The littlest amount of exertion takes so much energy. I am barely able to do what I have to do, let alone keep my house clean.

A year ago before this all started my house was always clean. Everything had a place, and I would scrub daily to keep up with everything. I miss those days of carefree housecleaning. Now I clean for 5 minutes, rest for 10, clean for 5 until I accomplish a task. Nothing is as clean as I would like for it to be. I am learning to not beat myself up for it, that is only counterproductive and adds to the feeling of "I am worthless". Still my house is not as clean as I would like for it to be, and I continue to find ways to get a little done here and there. I do what I can and try to focus on what I have done, not what I used to do, or what I still need to do to have a clean home. I can only do so much, and if all I get done in a day is taking care of my children than that is enough.

Rough Patch

Last week was a rough patch, and it is continuing into this week. I fought hard to stay out of the hospital, and I am still fighting. I feel though that a hospital stay is inevitable at this point. I keep having bad moments. It won't even be a whole day, but part of the day where I am suicidal. And suicidal with a plan. It is very, very scary. I don't want die, I want to be here for my tomorrow and my children's tomorrows, and the excitement of what the future may hold. But I can not control these thoughts. I wish I could just snap out of it. But this is not something I can snap out of. If I could I would.

For now I am just taking life second by second. Some moments are better than others. Like yesterday I was able to bake bread and take a loaf to a friend and visit for a while. But then I came home and turned into a bear. I was yelling at my kids, having a hard time being patient. I picked a fight with my husband, and all in all felt terrible for everything I was doing, but felt as if I had very little control over things. My emotions were all over the place, and I felt like I was playing emotional twister. Just spin the wheel and tell me what emotion to add to what was already jumbled in my head. Guilt, anger, frustration, inadequacy, fear, and paranoia all made for a rough evening. I thought sleep might help, but this morning I woke up feeling the same. It's been rough, and I feel all I can do is take everything moment by moment.

Catching up

I have fallen out of the habit of posting everyday. Sorry. Today and yesterday were rough days. I feel as if I have fallen into a hole, a deep, dark hole. I've slept a lot, neglected cleaning, and overall felt pretty numb. Today the suicidal thoughts started again for me. They are almost like a mild auditory hallucination. I'm able to ignore them, and I have many tools I use to keep these thoughts as just thoughts and not a plan. When a plan to commit suicide develops I go to the ER. I don't want to scare anyone, I am safe. I am blessed with a tremendous amount of strength to keep myself safe when symptoms like this develop. I communicate very clearly with my husband who frequently asks through out the day if I am getting better or worse. I was able to clean this evening while my husband was at school, and just in case I am worse tomorrow my Mom is coming up in the evening so that I won't be by myself. I'm safe.

I swam laps today. It was a good workout and helped me to relax a lot. Running psyches me up, but swimming relaxes me. It was the perfect workout for today. I've been jumpy lately. My anxiety has been high and I've been having a lot of negative thoughts about myself that I need to reframe. What is reframing. Well it's when you catch a thought and reframe it to a more accurate statement. Say I yell at my kids and feel bad later for yelling at them. I might have the thought, "I'm a bad parent." a healthy reframe would be, "I feel like a bad parent for yelling at my kids." Not much of a change right. Well actually it is a big change. It takes the thought and shifts it from a cognitive distortion to an accurate statement. My wonderful therapist in Oceanside, CA, Deborah Bermann, taught me how to catch the distorted thoughts and reframe them. I'm so glad she taught me how to look at things from a healthier perspective. I'm not perfect at it, but I don't have to be.

Sunday

Sorry for taking a few days off I was enjoying NOT having hallucinations. They stopped Thursday. Finally! Today I went to church and sat through almost the entire first hour. There are three blocks of meetings each about an hour long. I want so badly to stay for the full three hours, but I keep having panic attacks. I have panic attacks all the time. They cause me to stop what I am doing and go home. Shopping, going to the park or playground with my kids, just about any time I am out in public. So at the moment I am discouraged. I'm trying to remember that each little success is actually a big deal. My HUGE success of the month was staying out of the hospital while suffering from severe hallucinations. It's hard to be patient though. I want to be better now. Maybe I won't ever be better. Maybe this is a life long struggle where panic attacks prevent me from being in public for long amounts of time. I guess we'll see what happens next.Right now I'm just a bit depressed because I miss church.

Who needs sleep?

Nothing much to report. I can't sleep tonight so I'm here now, blogging. I want sleep. I'm tired, but the hallucinations are vivid right now and are keeping me awake. I tried falling asleep for the past 30 minutes. It was like being awake for a nightmare. I just need some sleep, can't I catch a break for one night. I managed to make it through the whole day without napping at all. I was able to ignore this stuff all day long and now it's strong and keeping me awake. That's about as dandy as poop on toast. I just want some sleep.

A half hour after waking up today the hallucinations intensified again. I spent all day sleeping, trying to get away from the hallucinations. I'm very close to needing to be hospitalized, but I'm fighting hard to stay out. Despite all the sleep I got today I still feel drained. The hallucinations are constant when I am awake.  I can't ignore them because of how strong they are. All I can do is continually tell myself they aren't real. It takes all my strength to not hide in a corner. I have to remind myself over and over that it's not real and I am in no danger.

A laid back day

I slept most of today. Every few weeks I have a day where I sleep 3-4 hours throughout the day. I do it more frequently when the hallucinations are strong. It's draining going day by day ignoring these hallucinations. I was up past midnight yesterday settling down after the hallucination intensified during my workout yesterday. So today I had my husband take care of everything while I relaxed, slept, and got myself together. I did cook dinner and went grocery shopping, but that was about all I had the energy for.

Triggers

I was thinking back today and where I was a year ago, and how far I have come on this journey. I've been able to identify my triggers for most of my symptoms, and I have learned ways to cope with almost all my symptoms. The most difficult symptom is the hallucinations. I don't like to talk about them because giving them attention makes them stronger. I am very good at ignoring them. Tonight while working out at my community fitness center the television show I was watching triggered a very strong hallucination. One of the characters on the show had a nightmare, and in the nightmare the zombies chasing her resembled the demonic figures that I see and ignore everyday. I had to immediately leave. I called my brother to chat while I walked back to my apartment. An hour later I am still struggling and trying to calm down so I can go to sleep. What is so disturbing is their voices in my head. Telling me to kill myself. Telling me how I should kill myself. Everyday I not only have to ignore these messages, but remind myself why I want to live. Everyday I wake up and force myself to be grateful for a new day. I hold very tightly to my hopes, dreams, and goals for the future. I soak up all the time with my kids that I can. I can't take any moment for granted because I am constantly fighting for survival. But I survive, I do it well, and no one should worry about my safety. I'm a fighter, and when it gets to be too much I fight even harder and go to the hospital so that I know I am safe and getting as much help as I can.

Late night=short post

Today was a good day. My Mom came to visit for a few hours. We made puppets with the kids. My kids went to bed on time. I got a good workout in. Now I am going to sleep.

Accomplishments

Today was a very good day. I was in a great state of mind all day, my kids behaved and were relatively quite the whole day. In my spare time today I sat with yarn and a crochet hook and retaught myself the granny square pattern I learned a year ago. A whole day's labor netted two completed granny squares. I had to undo a lot of what I did as I tried to figure out the pattern again. But I've got it in my head and now have a hobby that I enjoy and can easily do in my spare time. I have learned that keeping busy with mindful activities helps a lot to fight the depression. I also went to my community's fitness center and ran/walked a mile.
I'm physically in the worst shape I have ever been in. Normally I can just go jog whenever I feel like it and run 3-5 miles. The last year with the many hospitalizations I got out of my routine. I also was on several medications that made me gain a lot of weight. So 60lbs later I'm proud of the fact that I ran for 9 minutes, and then walked the rest of the mile. I'm giving myself a month to get back to running at least 2 miles. I figure if I add a minute a day I'll quickly get back into shape. I want to be very careful since I have so much extra weight on me. The last thing I need is a physical injury that keeps me from being able to exercise. There are so many benefits to exercise. You physically feel better when you exercise, and during exercise endorphins are released in the brain. Endorphins, as I understand it, is the happy brain chemical. More happy brain chemicals the better!! So it is now 10:30pm and I feel like I had a very good day all because I kept busy with a productive, relaxing hobby and got in a 30 minute workout! Small changes can lead to big consequences. If you don't like the consequences change your choices!
In the long run there really isn't any little decision. Imagine life as a railroad track, and ever decision is a junction in the track. If the rail moves just a few inches you switch tracks. A mile of track later you could be several miles off course and in need of a major change to get back on course. So to feel better start with the seemingly small choices that help. Taking a shower can be an accomplishment, putting on makeup, opening a window, going for a walk. Small steps can start the journey of a lifetime.

Standing Back Up

Sorry about missing a few days, the weekend threw me off. It was a rough weekend. I set expectations to high for myself and because I could not meet those goals and expectations I became discouraged and depressed. One thing I still have to learn is to accept my limits. Invincibility does not mean nothing knocks you down. The superhero always has a villain that almost defeats him, but the super hero refuses to quit fighting and wins in the end. Being invincible is a state of mind; it is refusing to stay down when life knocks you over. So I took yesterday to dust myself off from a rough weekend and stand back up.
When I was a kid one of my favorite places to explore was the thorny thickets in the woods behind my parents' home. It took a lot of work to navigate through the thorns, and it was impossible to do so without getting a few nicks. But inside the thicket was the most beautiful, serene environment. The sunlight cut through the thorns in beams casting a beautiful light inside. I often times would sit and listen to the birds, enjoying the peace that one can only enjoy after a struggle is ended. The time and effort to get through the thistles was well worth it because of the peace found inside.

PTSD Sucks. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is a beast. Imagine, if you can, experiencing a traumatic event, and then for some reason you continue experiencing that event over and over again. Imagine reliving it everyday, all day long. Gratefully, I am not that severe anymore. I was edgy all day long, but that was it. But before when it was all day long, that's why my fun combination of PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder led to so many hospitalizations. Today just my therapist asking me if I was ready to work on the PTSD caused a rough day. I could not stand for my kids to touch me. My daughter a dear little 4 year old kept coming up this evening and grabbing my arm and face to grab my attention. Luckily I have learned a few coping techniques and was able to manage without screaming. I really wanted to scream though, a big shout "What are you doing! Stop grabbing me!!!" Instead I was able to take a deep breath, remind myself she is 4 years old, and told her to say excuse me to get my attention. Then when she said excuse me I gave her my attention.
I feel as if I never catch a break. Yesterday was so good, and today could have been too. The hallucinations were very few today. I had so much energy for life! Bit PTSD like a cancer stole my energy and put me in an unstable emotional setting. It took all my energy to not be angry at my kids, to not yell at them, to not shout, to stay calm and controlled all day. I wanted to hide in a hole and cry. I wanted to be angry at everyone and everything. I wanted a drink. A nice stiff drink to help me settle down. But I don't drink, alcohol is a depressant and not safe with all the meds I am on. Also I am a Latter Day Saint and believe that alcohol is not healthy for the body. So I abstain from alcohol even though I really want a drink. It's difficult to explain, but I want a drink and I don't want a drink all that the same time. Lots of stuff rolling around in my head tonight.

I've got no strings...

Today was a REALLY good day. I found myself singing and humming to myself for no reason other than I finally had the energy to. Today I had sporadic hallucinations. Very minimal. It was a great day. And as it closes and I think about it, I realized that bad days are like being a puppet. I will feel a SNAP in my head, like someone pulling on a string, and I'm losing my mind. My kids might irritate the littlest bit, and SNAP I'm shouting at them to stop. Or something makes me sad and SNAP I feel like the world is ending, and I'm crying my eyes out. SNAP I feel like ending my life so that I don't have to see the pain in other people's lives in the cruel dark world. SNAP I feel as if I'm sitting in a deep dark hole. SNAP and I'm jerking all over the place like an emotional puppet.
That is why it is so important to take my Medication. It minimizes the snaps. I have two alarms set on my cell phone. One in the morning to take my AM meds, one in the evening for my PM meds. When it goes off I take my meds. Simple and easy. Sure I hate that I am on six different medications. I don't want to take my meds, but I know they help. When I forget a dose a week later the hallucinations start again. Two doses in a week and I am very close to needing hospitalization. So rule number one, accept the unchangeable, accept your limits and needs. Rule number two follow your doctors orders. Rule number three get 8 hours of sleep every night. Sleep helps! I am violating rule number three right now. It's very close to midnight and my kids normally wake up around 7am;sometimes earlier. So adieu.

"Paranoia, Paranoia, everybody's trying to get me..."

Paranoia is a symptom of PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder; I get the one, two punch. it is very difficult for me to be around other people because of this symptom. I have medication for the anxiety that I take in advance of leaving my house, but that only helps so much. A trip to Walmart is an accomplishment, I'm still hoping to be able to soon stay at church for the full 3 hour block of meetings and worship. Not that church is difficult or fear evoking for me. It's that leaving my house is fear evoking. All the many variables that leaving my nice controlled environment frighten me. I have to constantly remind myself that I am capable of keeping myself safe, that nothing bad is going to happen.
Taking my kids with me adds to my worries. I not only have to think about my safety, but their's also. It is too much sometimes, and I can not count the number of shopping trips cut short because of a panic attack. My dear, patient husband is understanding and rarely complains, but I always hate having to leave the store because I can't handle the uncontrolled environment.
Things are getting better though. I am slowly improving. I managed just fine today on a quick trip to the grocery store with my daughter. No medication needed before hand. And three weeks ago I was able to stay for 2 hours of church. I have to pay attention to these things because it is so easy to get caught up in the 'shoulda, woulda, coulda's' of life and negate my accomplishment. For me there is no small accomplishment. Not when battling a mental illness. Every achievement is a milestone, every success worth celebrating.Everyday with my family is a good day.

Mindfulness

I'm tired. I've been hallucinating for more than a week and I'm tired. For more than a week I've been ignoring three shadowy, cloaked, demonic figures and their voices. I've managed to care for myself and my family, clean, cook, shower, bathe my kids each night. I've maintained a routine to provide stability for my children. Tonight I'm exhausted. A stay in the hospital is starting to look less and less displeasurable if it will just make everything stop! My husband checks on my throughout the days asking me how I am, and all I can answer is, "Ok." I hate the look of concern on his face, and knowing he is scared because I hear voices telling me I don't deserve to live.

Ok well enough complaining. What helps? Mindfulness. Becoming mindful of everything else around me helps me ignore the voices and the demons. I pay attention to how my clothes feel against my skin, the sound of my feet while I walk, how it feels to sit on a hard chair. I must be good at it because here I am not in the hospital! Everyday not in the hospital is a good day. When I have a flashback I focus on one point in the present, a spot on the carpet or a picture on the wall. That is all I see, it's like setting an anchor waiting for a wave to come. The flashback comes and passes, but I stay rooted in the present. It works.

Chaos Time

Well I wasn't able to exercise yesterday. It took me an hour and a half to get my two kids to bed last night. Once they were finally asleep it was time for me to take my evening medicine and go to sleep myself. Today I saw my therapist and expressed my frustration with the situation. He recommended I start scheduling Chaos Time. Setting aside time each day for when things just are not going my way. By doing this I allow myself time for the chaos of life, and I can use that time to recognize what I did get done. For example (paraphrasing his words still) Even though I was not able to work out, I was able to care for my children. I'm living with a very difficult illness, and managing to care for myself AND my children. I hadn't thought of that as much of an accomplishment, but it is. I have been having visual and auditory hallucinations on and off for a week now, and I am still able to care for myself and my family. That is huge! Not getting in a workout is ok because I was taking care of my children, and taking care of my children is such a huge accomplishment in itself right now because of my current symptoms.
I think Chaos Time is something every parent needs to schedule. With toddlers things are always taking longer than planned, and it is very easy when something takes you longer than expected to get down on yourself. The fact is you are taking care of your child(ren) and with that flexibility is a must. Setting some time aside each day to evaluate that chaos, and find the accomplishments of the day is vital for anyone's mental stability.

Crackers and Raspberries

My son is running circles in the living room eating crackers and blowing raspberries, my daughter is trying to watch a movie, my husband is enjoying his weekend playing video games on his laptop, and I'm working on my blog. Fun times right? I wouldn't know. Today my depression is worse, and I am numb to emotion. I just don't care right now. I want to care, I want to feel normal, but I feel like crap. I'm sleeping all the time and I can't help it. I have no motivation to keep my house clean, I don't want to work out, I don't want to read. All I want to do is sleep. Can I sleep for three days before I have to do anything? That would be great, a three day break so I can just sleep. A five day sleeping marathon sounds even better.
I feel bad for my husband who has to watch me losing interest in everything. He has to pull my teeth to get me to talk to him. It's not intentional, I just don't care to talk to anyone right now. I feel like I'm living in a cloud. Everything is darker and grey. The recent move from Oceanside, CA to Columbia, SC really set me back. I'm still recuperating 3 weeks later! I hate this feeling, I want to pull it together and just hop into the sunshine. There is no pulling it together though. I can control my behavior, keep myself safe, workout, but I can't just snap out of it. Which sucks. It really, really sucks.
So in an effort to choose actions that will help my mood I am going to set goals. Writing a goal down increases the likelihood of accomplishing it. So my goal for today is to workout and clean my house for 30 minutes. My goal for the week is to workout daily, and continue working on my blog. I just realized I have yet to say why I am working on this blog. Simple really, I want to break down the stereotypes and beliefs about mental illness. I'm trying to break barriers.

My story

A year ago I started seeing a Psychiatrist for depression and paranoia stemming from having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not going to get into details about what happened to cause me to suffer from PTSD. During the summer months I started to have Manic episodes and I was diagnosed as having Bipolar DIsorder. My life started to unravel. In June I had to be hospitalized for 10 days because of suicidal ideations (basically having thoughts about killing myself). After my first hospitalization the paranoia worsened, I started to suffer from Panic Attacks as well. A few weeks later towards the end of July I was hospitalized again. After my second hospitalization I was able to get into an Intensive Outpatient Program. I went to the Mental Hospital everyday for treatment. This helped a lot, but the thing about mental illness is if you aren't on the right medications or you stop taking them, eventually you will crash again.
I was hospitalized again, and again, and a few more times. All in all 8 hospitalizations. And in that time frame I never once missed an appointment or a dose of medication. I exercised, I avoided isolating myself. I did everything I could to control my illness. After my third hospitalization I started having hallucinations as well. I saw demons and heard voices. It took several months, but my diagnosis changed from Bipolar to Schizoaffective Disorder. The National Alliance on Mental Illness defines Schizoaffective Disorder this way, "Schizoaffective disorder is one of the more common, chronic, and disabling mental illnesses. As the name implies, it is characterized by a combination of symptoms of schizophrenia and an affective (mood) disorder" Basically it's Schizophrenia with Bipolar symptoms. Fun for me, right?
You all know me, I'm a hard working individual. I was knocked down by this. I have been blessed with tremendous strength, but every day is a struggle. And I have found that a lot of people, don't understand mental illnesses. There is no snapping out of it. Believe me I have tried, it doesn't work. There's no magic cure. It's a difficult, and for me a long path, finding the right combination of drugs to manage the symptoms. Today was the first day In about a year that I was able to run errands with both my kids (ages 4 and 2), without my husband coming with me, and the entire time I was able to stay in control of my emotions. I had a panic attack, but I remained in control. Looking back at my day and that accomplishment I want to jump up and down and sing!
I'm not crazy, I'm not sick, my brain chemistry is unbalanced. With the right medications I am slowly balancing back out. For a whole year I've tried to be 'normal' and my greatest success was today, having a panic attack at the store, with two screaming, hot, tired toddlers, and not breaking down and calling my husband in tears. You all know me, imagine someone suffering from this that isn't as strong as I am. (I'm not in any way trying to brag about myself. I'm not sure how to word this so I don't sound arrogant. But know I'm not tooting my own horn here.) Can you see how this is a disabling illness for so many. I have been such a flake the last year. To those who I made plans with for while you were in the San Diego area, and I never followed through I'm sorry. I tried I promise, but it's been hard. So hard that some days my greatest success was getting out of bed.
So why am I telling my story? To help people gain some understanding. To break up stereotypes, and ignorant judgements. The next time you hear about someone suffering from a mental illness, remember they didn't choose it. Remember you can't snap out of it. Remember me wether you remember me as an awkward teenager that ran track and cross country, a newly wed young adult, or more recently as a mom. Remember me, my strength, integrity, humor, and zest for life. Remember that I said it kicked my can. And then try to feel a little empathy for whomever you heard about having a mental illness. Try not to judge. Again, no one chooses to have a mental illness. It just happens and it is a struggle every day. And if you hear anyone making a derogatory comment about anyone who has a mental illness feel free to share my story if it might help them understand a little better.